How to Share Your Feelings with Your Partner

Talking about our feelings is a bedrock of communication in marriage. For many of us, expressing our emotions can be a challenging task.

In this blog post, we'll explore ways to open up and share our feelings with our spouses to foster a deeper emotional connection. The most useful starting point is the emotional wheel.

How to Use an Emotion Wheel

An emotion wheel is a visual guide with no clear starting or ending point. It makes it easier for us to identify exactly how we are feeling. Start where it makes sense for you. Here are some tips for using the wheel:

How to Use the Emotion Wheel

Determine the emotion closest to your current feeling

Those emotions closest to the center are more intense, while those further out are milder.

Emotions are combined between each spoke on the wheel. Find the emotion that best describes how you feel right now.

Identify the trigger

Emotions don't just happen out of nowhere. The way you feel is often triggered or caused by something. Occasionally, it's easy to figure out the trigger. Other times, more than one event may be involved.

Analyze connections

You may notice that some emotions can lead to others. A healthy romantic relationship may be characterized by emotions such as trust and joy.

Take action or make changes

Identifying your emotions and triggers can help you determine how to act positively. For example, you may experience love-related emotions when you have a romantic partner.

However, if you've been in unhealthy relationships in the past, this could make you worried about the future of your relationship. Instead of avoiding the emotions you're experiencing, you can express your feelings to your partner when you're ready.

You can cope and work through your emotions by acknowledging them.

Using the Emotion Wheel to Talk About Unfair Household Labor

Household labor is one of those topics where the emotion we first express may not be the emotion we are actually experiencing. We might say we're "angry" about the dishes, laundry, or clutter, when the deeper feeling is that we're overwhelmed, unappreciated, resentful, lonely, or unsupported.

This is where the emotion wheel can help. Before starting a conversation about chores or the mental load, look at the wheel and identify the emotion that most accurately describes how you feel. Then consider what triggered it.

For example, instead of saying, "I'm tired of doing everything around here," you might realize that what you're actually feeling is overwhelmed and unappreciated.

You could say:

"I've been feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated because I've been keeping track of the kids' schedules, groceries, laundry, and appointments. I don't want to feel resentful toward you. I'd like us to talk about how we can divide responsibility differently."

The emotion wheel can also help the partner who feels criticized. A conversation about household labor might leave you feeling defensive at first, but underneath that defensiveness could be embarrassment, inadequacy, confusion, or fear that you're disappointing your spouse.

Identifying those emotions makes it easier to respond with curiosity instead of immediately defending yourself.

The goal isn't to prove who works harder. It's to understand how the current division of household responsibilities is affecting each partner emotionally and then decide together what needs to change.

Using the Emotion Wheel to Talk About Money

Money conversations are rarely just about money. A disagreement over spending, saving, debt, or investing can trigger emotions connected to security, independence, trust, fairness, control, or fear about the future.

That's why the emotion wheel can be especially useful before a money conversation.

Imagine that your spouse makes a purchase you weren't expecting. Your immediate reaction might be anger. But after looking more closely at the emotion wheel, you might realize you're actually feeling anxious because the purchase makes you worried about reaching a savings goal.

Instead of saying, "You spend too much money," you could say:

"I felt anxious when I saw that purchase because I've been worried about whether we're saving enough for our emergency fund. Can we talk about how we're both feeling about our finances?"

The same approach can help when partners have different attitudes toward money. One spouse may feel restricted by a budget while the other feels secure because of it. One may feel embarrassed about debt while the other feels frustrated. One may want to spend money enjoying life today while the other feels anxious unless more is being saved for tomorrow.

Naming those emotions helps shift the conversation away from who is right or wrong and toward understanding what money represents to each person.

The more specifically you can describe what you're feeling, the easier it becomes for your spouse to understand what is actually driving the disagreement. Instead of arguing only about numbers, you can begin discussing the emotions, values, and experiences behind them.

An Effective Communication Process

Create a Safe and Judgment-Free Space

Building a safe environment is essential for supporting open communication. Assure your wife that her thoughts and feelings are valued and respected.

Start with Small Steps

A gradual approach to sharing our feelings makes both partners more comfortable with the process.

Choose the Right Time and Setting

Pick a moment when both of you are relaxed and free from distractions. A quiet and comfortable environment allows for a more focused and meaningful conversation.

Use "I" Statements: When expressing feelings, use "I" statements to convey personal experiences without placing blame to avoid defensiveness and promote understanding. For example, say "I feel" instead of "You always" to express your emotions more effectively.

Active Listening

Show genuine interest in your spouse's response to help them feel listened to and understood. This reciprocal communication builds a stronger emotional connection.

Body Language

Make eye contact, nod, and respond appropriately.

Be Patient and Understanding

Sharing emotions is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Understand that both of you may have different communication styles, and respecting those differences is essential.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If difficulties persist, consider seeking the guidance of a relationship counselor. Professional assistance can provide valuable insights and tools to enhance communication skills and strengthen emotional connections.

If the issue stems from arguments about money or domestic inequities, I can help. I'm the only Certified Financial Therapist™, Accredited Financial Counselor®, and Fair Play Facilitator®, empowering high-achieving couples with systems to manage money and the home as a team — drawn from decades of national leadership and lived experience.

Click here for more details about how and when I can support you.

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Citations

Hokuma Karimova, MA. “The Emotion Wheel: What It Is and How to Use It.” The Emotion Wheel: What It Is and How to Use It [+PDF], PositivePsychology.com, 18 Jan. 2024, positivepsychology.com/emotion-wheel/.

Fletcher, Jenna. “Emotion Wheel: What It Is and How to Use It.” How to Understand Your Feelings Using an Emotion Wheel, Psych Central, 12 Aug. 2023, psychcentral.com/health/emotion-wheel.

Margarita Tartakovsky, MS. “How to Express Your Feelings and Emotions in a Relationship.” How to Understand Your Feelings Using an Emotion Wheel, Psych Central, 30 Mar. 2022, psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-express-emotions-in-relationships#tips-to-express-emotions.

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Original Post: 1/23/24

Updated Post: 8/20/26