Don’t Rely on Willpower. Use These Smarter Strategies in Your Relationship Instead

Brian Page
Dec 27, 2025
5 min read

Ever promise yourself you’d stick to the budget, stay calm during conflict, or finally talk through the chore list, only to fall back into the same patterns by Friday night?

You’re not alone.

The truth is, most of us aren’t lacking willpower; we’re just using the wrong strategies.

On the Modern Husbands Podcast, we spoke with Dr. Kentaro Fujita, a leading self-control researcher, who revealed why grit alone won’t cut it and what actually works for couples juggling careers, kids, and everything in between.

Dr. Kentaro Fujita, a Professor of Psychology and Director of the Decision Sciences Collaborative at The Ohio State University. He received his Bachelor's in Psychology at Harvard College, and his Master's and PhD in Psychology at New York University.

He shared how self-control really works, and how couples can use it to manage money, chores, and conflict better.

Why Willpower Isn’t Enough

Willpower burns out fast. But identity-based habits, mental reframing, and clear "why" goals can help you and your partner stick to your values. This applies whether you're paying off debt, dividing chores, or avoiding that late-night argument.

When it comes to managing money and the home as a team, self-control often gets framed as a moral strength. You either “have it” or you don’t.

But according to Dr. Kentaro Fujita, that’s the wrong way to think about it.

“Self-control,” he explained, “is about trading smaller, sooner rewards for larger, later ones.”

It’s not just resisting dessert. It’s saving for a dream vacation. It’s not snapping at your spouse in the moment. It’s building a home filled with respect. And while we often equate self-control with brute-force willpower, Dr. Fujita says couples have access to better tools. There are smarter and more effective strategies to stay aligned with your values.

Self-Control vs. Willpower: What’s the Difference?

Willpower is effortful. It’s the part of you that says, “Don’t eat that brownie” while your brain screams, “Eat the brownie!” It requires:

Focus
Energy
A calm, distraction-free environment

Unfortunately, real life is rarely calm or distraction-free. This is especially true when kids are screaming, bills are piling up, and you're both emotionally spent.

Self-control, on the other hand, is broader. It includes habits and mental strategies that help you avoid temptation in the first place.

So what does that look like in practice? Here are three strategies to use in your life.

Strategy 1: Change the Situation, Not Just Your Mindset

Dr. Fujita emphasized the power of working smarter, not harder. For example:

Instead of resisting fast food, don’t keep it in the house.
Instead of fighting over spending, use automation to budget.
Instead of arguing about chores at 10 p.m., talk when emotions are low and energy is high.

Small tweaks to your environment can help you make better decisions without burning out your brain.

Strategy 2: Ask “What Would Batman Do?”

Sounds silly, right? But it works.

Research shows that people, especially kids, who put on a costume and ask themselves what their favorite hero would do perform better on difficult tasks.

As adults, we can try something similar:

Before reacting to your partner, ask: “What would the best version of me do right now?”
Or even better: “What would a great husband or wife do, according to my partner?”

This isn’t about pretending to be someone else. It’s about tapping into your values and shifting your perspective.

Strategy 3: Know Your “Whys”

This is where Dr. Fujita’s work hits home.

“The key to self-control,” he says, “is knowing your whys.”

Your whys are the deeper reasons behind your actions. They are your North Stars.

Why do you want to save money?
Why do you want to be more present at home?
Why do you want to build better routines with your partner?

If you’re not sure, ask yourself:

What do I want my obituary to say? How do I want to be remembered by the people closest to me?

These are big questions. But the answers make day-to-day choices easier.

When to Talk About Money and Chores

You wouldn’t try to run a marathon with no sleep and an empty stomach. So why have hard conversations when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?

Therapists call it HALT. Dr. Fujita calls it “zooming in” versus “zooming out.” I call it a recipe for disaster.

Here’s a better plan:

Talk on weekend mornings, when you’re well-fed and rested.
Start with joy, such as a shared goal or a moment of appreciation.
Lead with values, not complaints.

According to Dr. Fujita, reminding each other of your shared values makes you less defensive and more open to change. It creates what he calls an “expansive mindset.” That’s a space where long-term goals can win.

Your Two Takeaways

Dr. Fujita wrapped up the conversation with these two big takeaways:

Work smarter, not harder. If self-control feels impossible, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It might mean you’re using the wrong strategy.
Know your whys. Your values can be a powerful guide. But only if you take the time to name them and keep them front and center.

Final Thought

Managing money and the home as a team isn’t about perfection. It’s about intention.

So the next time you’re tempted to spend impulsively, snap at your partner, or let resentment build over unwashed dishes…

Ask yourself: What would the best version of me do right now?

You might be surprised how strong and smart you really are.

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The Full Podcast Episode

Show Notes

00:00 Introduction

03:06 You’ve studied self-control extensively. How do you define it, and why is it such an important factor in our daily lives, particularly for couples managing money and household responsibilities?

6:40 The Marshmallow Study

13:05 Many of us think of willpower as simply “trying harder.” From a scientific perspective, what actually fuels or drains our self-control?

17:06 Can we discuss self control hacks with important context?

27:31 The concept of ego depletion suggests self-control is a limited resource. How does this play out in dual-career couples who feel constantly stretched thin by work and home obligations?

31:48 What does your environment look like when you talk about money with your spouse?

35:02 Where can our listeners learn more about you?

35:44: If you could give dual-career couples one or two evidence-based practices to consistently improve their self-control—both individually and as a team—what would they be?

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