Money Together: How Couples Can Navigate Finances, Power, and Partnership

When it comes to managing money in a marriage, the math is the easy part. It’s the emotions, habits, and hidden histories that complicate things. That’s the core message of Money Together, the new book by Heather and Douglas Boneparth—and the focus of their conversation with us on the Modern Husbands Podcast.

Heather, a former corporate attorney turned wealth management professional, and Douglas, a longtime financial advisor, joined our advisory board at Modern Husbands because they’ve lived what they teach. Their insights go far beyond spreadsheets and savings accounts. They explore what happens when roles shift, when resentment builds, and when money becomes more than just numbers—when it becomes about identity, security, and power.

A Pandemic Shift That Sparked a Book

Like many families, COVID-19 turned their lives upside down. Heather’s career plateaued as she took on more invisible labor at home. Meanwhile, Doug’s career soared. And without even realizing it, their dynamic around money changed: Heather disengaged from the financial conversation. As she puts it, “If this could happen to us—people who have always tried to keep things fair—what was happening in everyone else’s household?”

That question drove them to write Money Together, not just as financial professionals, but as a couple who’s navigated the complexities of power dynamics, shame, and evolving roles.

Why Couples Avoid Talking About Money

According to the Boneparths, the real money fights aren’t about bills or budgets. They’re about everything beneath the surface—what money represents. Heather shared that her own relationship with money was shaped by childhood trauma, divorce, and a deep sense of self-reliance. Her six-figure student loan debt became a symbol of personal failure rather than just a financial obligation.

That kind of emotional baggage is common. As Doug noted, “We’re not fighting about spending—we’re fighting about the way we were taught to spend.” Religious beliefs, cultural expectations, and family histories all show up at the dinner table when couples talk money.

The Importance of Time, Place, and Tone

Money conversations require intentionality. For Heather and Doug, walks around the neighborhood became a productive space to talk—free from distractions like kids, phones, or dinner prep.

They also emphasized the need to meet your partner where they are. Instead of opening with a net worth spreadsheet, Doug suggests starting with a shared dream—“Remember that vacation we talked about?”—and working backward into the budget. Goals first, numbers second.

When one partner is disengaged, forcing them into charts and statements won’t help. But inviting them to dream, plan, and share personal goals is a powerful on-ramp.

Power, Caregiving, and Redefining Contribution

A key theme of the conversation—and of Money Together—is the need to redefine what it means to contribute. Heather explains:

“Caregivers are providers. I write it three times in the book: caregivers are providers, caregivers are providers, caregivers are providers.”

That mindset shift matters. Too often, the partner who earns less (or nothing at all) feels the need to “make up for it” by taking on all the household responsibilities—and ends up feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from the financial picture.

It’s a dangerous pattern. When one partner checks out financially—whether because of time, shame, or stress—it leaves the other isolated. And that isolation creates emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment. As Heather warns, “You still need to have the meeting. You’re on the board. Even if one person is the CEO, the leadership team needs to meet.”

Consistency and Communication: The Real Secrets

Heather and Doug don’t just offer advice—they model it. From quarterly “money dates” to carving out time each week for TV and conversation, they demonstrate the kind of consistency that builds financial and emotional intimacy.

And when things get hard—as they inevitably do—they return to one key principle: don’t wait for the perfect time. There’s no magic moment when your finances get simple, your schedules align, or your emotions settle down.

As Doug puts it:

“Money with your spouse is not a game you win once. You have to play the game forever.”

A Note for the Overwhelmed Partner

If you’re the one managing all the finances and feeling exhausted, you’re not alone. Recent research confirms that the “bean counter” in the relationship—regardless of income—feels the most stress.

And if you’re the partner who feels too intimidated or disconnected to engage, Heather and Doug offer this encouragement: you don’t have to go from zero to 100. Start small. Find content you like. Listen to a podcast. Read a newsletter. Talk about a goal, not a budget.

Your financial life is not just about math. It’s about meaning. And meaning is something you and your partner must build together.

Ready to create a plan that works for both of you?

I offer one-on-one and couples financial counseling to help you manage money and the home as a team. Contact me directly to learn more.

And don’t forget to listen to the full podcast episode embedded below—you won’t want to miss this honest and heartfelt conversation with Heather and Douglas Boneparth.

Listen to the Episode

Winning ideas from experts to manage money and the home as a team. 2023 Plutus Award Finalist: Best Couples or Family Content

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Show Notes

00:00 Introduction

02:14 What inspired you to write Money Together? 

07:30 How are you balancing your professional and family roles?

12:52 Why do you think money is such a charged topic in relationships? What common myths or fears do you see couples bring into their financial lives?

24:01 What are some common imbalances you’ve observed in how couples divide financial responsibility?

28:34 How can couples begin to have fair conversations about labor—especially when one person feels overwhelmed or resentful?

35:51 What’s your advice when one partner doesn’t want to be involved with money at all? Should they be able to "opt out?"

42:17 Where can listeners learn more, and how can they start having “money together” conversations today?

43:10 What is one piece of simple and actionable advice you can share with our listeners?

Click here to buy Money Together.