My Wife Makes More Than Me. How We Manage and What the Experts Suggest
- Brian Page
- Jul 13
- 12 min read
I'm one of the lucky ones. Married since 2002. Three kids. And a wife who is a rock star in her career and is also the breadwinner. She wasn't always the breadwinner, and how we manage our money has never changed.
I've never felt more passionate about writing a post that can help couples manage the dynamic of a breadwinning wife. I spent a considerable amount of time interviewing experts, reading the research, and finding relevant examples to help those who may be struggling with this dynamic, because how couples handle income disparities can make or break a relationship.
The Consequences of Economic Abuse
Context matters a great deal here, so it's essential to take a glance at recent history. Fifty years ago, due to social norms and a lack of women’s rights, men were most often the family breadwinners, and there's no shortage of evidence that women were usually deprived of having a voice in how their money was spent. That's still the case in some marriages today, as shared by Lyz Lenz in her essay in TIME.
"The power dynamic was clear – I had nothing; I knew nothing. And I would adhere to the rules of the budget because I was the one bringing in debt and no assets."
As reported by the BBC, the combination of women's improved earning power, men's and women's mismatched emotional needs within marriage, and ongoing inequalities in household labor has recently led to more women initiating divorce than men.
Inequities still exist, however, more American women than ever have opportunities outside the home that no longer confine them to traditional marriage roles. In nearly half of American households today, women earn the same, if not significantly more, than their husbands.
The research report "Feminism and Couple Finance: Power as a Mediator Between Financial Processes and Relationship Outcomes" reported findings on whether money creates power imbalances in mixed-gender relationships and how these imbalances affect relationship quality and stability.
They found that in many marriages, the breadwinner typically holds more power, which can translate to greater decision-making authority, increased personal spending freedom, and increased influence in the relationship.
Many of us envision men as breadwinners, as well as the power dynamics that accompany this role. But that's not always the case anymore, which you can see play out in the first episode of the Netflix Show "How to Get Rich."
Matt and Amani were married with two children. Matt was a traveling electrical engineer but left his career to be a stay-at-home dad and support Amami's career as an account executive. Matt started the episode by sharing what some stay-at-home moms have been saying for years.
"I work harder and longer now (as a stay-at-home dad) than I did when I was an electrical engineer, and I get less respect and less reward. I literally have no decisions with anything related to money. She devalues what I do at home."
Matt continued, "The more money she has made, the less valuable I am." His sentiments mirror those of millions of women over time.
Amani's defense was that "I am the one who works, so I get to decide who has access (to money) and who does not."
"We have separate accounts now that she is the breadwinner. We had joint accounts when I supported us." - Matt
The research is clear: when one partner holds more financial power, meaning authority over how money is controlled in a relationship, it often leads to:
Lower relationship satisfaction
Less stability over time
Higher emotional stress
Believing that the higher-income-earning partner should hold more control and power over financial matters in the relationship is toxic and dangerous.
Breadwinning Impacts Men and Women Differently
Christin Munsch is an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. Her study contributed to a growing body of research that demonstrates how gendered expectations are harmful.
Men are expected to be breadwinners; women are not. When some men are not the breadwinner, they experience anxiety and distress.
However, Munsch found that, on average, when a woman's relative income was less than that of her partner, there was no negative impact on their psychological state. Women's psychological well-being improved as they made greater economic contributions.
Complicating the challenge for men is the increased pressure to be capable financial providers and nurture an environment that allows for self-actualization for their partners.
Last summer, I read Eli Finkel's book, The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work. What crystallized for me is that much of the history of marriage in the United States was rooted in survival, or at best, pragmatism.
Finkel used "Mount Maslow," based on Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, to make his point.
Finkel explains that there are three major eras of marriage: pragmatic, love-based, and self-expressive. He points out that there has been a dramatic shift in expectations.
"People are increasingly seeking self-actualization in their marriages, expecting their partner to be all things to them."
The data backs up Finkel's perspective. When women are thriving economically rather than just surviving, what they look for in a partner changes. They define "provider" in emotional, relational, and logistical terms, not just financial ones.
Money, Masculinity, and Employment
Melissa Hogenboom is a BBC journalist and author of Breadwinners. According to Hogenboom:
“When men are primed from a very young age to provide financially, and are later thrust into caregiving roles, either by choice or circumstance, others can judge them as being ‘less of a man’ which also affects their wellbeing. When men are not the main earners, their very identity is at stake, and it threatens their understanding of masculinity.
Men are also judged more negatively for being ‘unemployed’ than women are, even if their unemployment is due to their caregiving.
Men are twice as likely to be depressed when out of work compared to women.
Women can often find other identities whereas men tend to struggle more socially when in a caregiving role — they don't feel as welcome in parent groups — which are actually usually ‘mommy groups’.”
The Relational Dynamics of Breadwinning Women
Women tend to prefer marrying men with higher incomes, and this preference extends to college-educated women.
Men see this. They know this. And such realities can play out in unhealthy ways for men in relationships when they are not the breadwinner.
A study conducted at Bath University in the United Kingdom examined more than 6,000 U.S. households over the course of 14 years. Couples were asked to measure distress in terms of feeling sad, nervous, restless, hopeless, or worthless, or note that everything was an effort.
Men experience a higher level of psychological distress when they are the sole breadwinners of their household. Their distress decreased as their wives began to earn more money, and men felt happiest when their wives earned 40% of the household income.
The highest level of psychological stress reported by men came when they were economically dependent on their wives.
Dr. Munsch of the University of Connecticut found that gendered expectations of being a breadwinner are harmful to men because men are expected to be breadwinners, yet providing for one's family with little or no help has negative repercussions.
These male breadwinning expectations were found to be essentially the same by PEW. Men are expected to be the financial providers, not women. Such expectations can weigh so heavily on men and relationships that when men feel their traditional role is threatened, they become defensive, withdrawn, and, in some cases, abusive.
Munsch attributes these differences in psychological well-being to cultural expectations for men and women. "Men who make a lot more money than their partners may approach breadwinning with a sense of obligation and worry about maintaining breadwinner status," says Munsch. "Women, on the other hand, may approach breadwinning as an opportunity or choice. Breadwinning women may feel a sense of pride, without worrying what others will say if they can't or don't maintain it."
The latest research shows even more alarming evidence that men are hurting.
Men aren't in crisis because of who they are, but because of what they lack. Economic insecurity, isolation, and harmful norms are driving a dangerous mix of despair and grievance.
According to the Equimundo report State of American Men 2025, masculinity today is shaped by pressure to provide, to stay silent, and to "man up."
86% of men (and 77% of women) say being a provider defines manhood.
Men facing financial strain are over 16x more likely to report suicidal thoughts.
"Men in the US and around the world feel that their main identity is as a provider; thus, a sense of economic instability cuts to the heart of their sense of self and their self-esteem."
The frequency of fights about money is strongly linked to higher rates of divorce. That's not to say it's abnormal to argue about money; in fact, it's quite common. What is uncommon is the frequency, and what is particularly unhealthy is the veracity and combative nature of disputes.
According to Hogenboom, complicating the problem is the fact that “men are also seen as more dominant and agentic, rather than caring, which means their caring roles can be a direct clash with how they are perceived by society… we still don’t accept men in the domestic sphere as much as we accept women at work, which both men and women intuitively understand, leading to feelings of discomfort when their roles are outside the norm.”
Solutions for Breadwinning Challenges
Ed Coambs, CFP®, LMFT, CFT-I™, is the Past President of the Financial Therapy Association and author of Healthy Love and Money. Ed is also one of the kindest men I know.
Despite Ed's successes, he has been open about some of the internal struggles he faces in his relationship with a breadwinning wife. I asked Ed why some men struggle with not being the breadwinner in their relationship.
"Many of us want to reduce the breadwinner dilemma to a simple answer, but there is no single solution. The first step is acknowledging the discomfort with this reality; the next and much harder step is to find workable solutions for both parties, which usually begins with curiosity and compassion."
Power inequities in a relationship might not seem like a problem at the surface level. Inequities felt by one partner might be lost on the other. A subconscious comment here or there can be all it takes to send the other partner into a tailspin.
Access to Money and Equity in Financial Decisions
According to research, earning a paycheck is only part of the equation. What also matters is who has access to that money and who controls its use.
Couples who use joint bank accounts and co-manage their finances tend to have healthier and happier relationships. Why?
The authors believe that it's because doing so promotes transparency, mutual trust, and equality. In contrast, when only one partner manages the money or keeps separate accounts without shared oversight, it can create suspicion, resentment, or imbalance, even if it wasn't intentional.
Their perspective aligns with the groundbreaking study conducted by Dr. Jenny Olson, which found that for first-time engaged and married couples, joining their bank accounts buffered the immediate decline experienced just after marriage and eventually caused greater happiness in marriage.
The takeaway? Solo money control often results in inequality; co-control is where actual financial equity lives.
I must be clear that there are understandable circumstances that lead couples to keep some of their finances separate; second marriages, financial trauma, and polarizing approaches to spending come to mind. However, those are outliers, and the "whys" and "how's" matter a lot — take, for instance, the evidence-backed approach of "Ours, Yours, and Mine" and the reason for the approach.
The Implications of Domestic Labor Inequities
Practically speaking, the give-and-take of responsibilities within the home has downstream effects on income growth over time. I'm not speaking anecdotally; such a view is shared by Nobel Prize winning economist Dr. Claudia Goldin, whom I had the honor of interviewing in person.
Dr. Goldin found that most of the current gender pay gap can be explained by men agreeing to work responsibilities that lead to higher income but also create a void of domestic labor responsibilities that women usually fill and, in doing so, are unable to capitalize on work responsibilities that can lead them to earn a higher income. Dr. Goldin has defined such choices as “greedy work.”
As I've shared, these societal incentive norms box many men into making “greedy work” choices, even if they're contrary to what is best and desired for couples.
There is a wave of change pushing for domestic labor inequities. I’m clearly a leading proponent of such change, but how the issue is presented can complicate the problem.
When domestic labor inequities are presented as men being the problem, many men stop listening. They conclude that she’s a man-hater, more woke nonsense, you name it.
The bottom line is that not all men behave this way, nor do all men want it to be this way. Nobody likes to be told they stink, and telling someone they stink because of their gender will only make it worse.
Dr. Kate Mangino is a global authority on the role of gender in relationships and the author of Equal Partners. According to Dr. Mangino, “Caregiving work and household labor are skills. That means they are learned over time; they come through practice and patience. Because caregiving and domestic labor are coded as women’s work, we socialize girls to do these things from the time they are babies. (This comes with its own set of burdens and inequalities for women, of course.)
Mangino continues, “Whereas we don’t socialize boys to do these things. So no wonder men are often caught off guard when they partner up, or have their first child. We need to acknowledge that all humans are capable of domestic work, but that men may need more practice because of the way they have been socialized. I’m not talking about weaponized incompetence - that is something different. I am talking about working as a team. Rarely do we see progress when we start with a blame and shame approach."
Breadwinning, Burnout, and Considerations for the Entire Day
Domestic labor does not occur in a vacuum, nor does the time we spend on our careers. The two are interconnected and interdependent. We can't only measure the physical, mental, and emotional load devoted to the home without considering the exhaustion that occurs outside of the home, or vice versa, that is, if we want to respect and love each other.
“Simply put, keeping score in the home without counting the sacrifices made outside of it can lead to resentment and burnout.”
High-pressure careers, where someone's own life or the lives of others depend on them, are especially taxing. Christian Sherrill, our co-host of the Modern Husbands Podcast, is married to an ER doctor. If she makes a mistake at work, someone dies. As Christian shared in the episode below of the Modern Husbands Podcast, he recognizes the emotional and mental exhaustion that comes with such a career and carries more of the mental and emotional labor at home. You can listen to the episode below.
Modern Husbands Podcast Episode
🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Apple.
🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Spotify.
When She's the Breadwinner: Solutions
The research is conclusive. Believing higher-income-earning partners should hold more control and power over financial matters is toxic.
There is nuance in conversations about breadwinning in a relationship that must incorporate both domestic labor and financial management responsibilities.
We can't say on one side of our mouths that men need to step up at home and on the other side of our mouths, punish them for working longer hours outside the home to compensate for the inherent or implicit pressure from partners or society to be the breadwinner.
Particularly when they have not been convinced that their role as a provider is more heavily weighted towards emotional, relational, and logistical aspects.
The authors of Feminism and Couple Finance found that when both partners felt empowered—meaning they had influence and agency in the relationship—they reported greater intimacy, trust, and teamwork.
Hogeboom concurs. "When men are happily homemakers, they begin to change their understanding of what masculinity means to one that involves caring, and men who spend more time at home also have increased bonds with their children."
Dr. Mangino also offers advice about managing the home as a team. "Create some shared values. Be patient with each other. Allow space for each of you to learn, make mistakes, and improve. It is important for both partners to recognize how you were each socialized, maintain empathy for each other, and decide on a path for your family moving forward.”
I've been the breadwinner in our marriage, while my wife has been our domestic safety net. Currently, my wife is the breadwinner, earning significantly more than I do, while I take the lead at home. Through patience, planning, and our shared values, we have created a system that works well for us.
So our money is our money, and the responsibilities in the home are our responsibilities. She has always been my biggest cheerleader in my career, and I am hers. I am damn proud of her professional accomplishments and proud to say that she is now the breadwinner.
Through my personal experience and by supporting my clients, I have found that happiness is often found through teamwork.
Managing money as a team.
Managing the home as a team.
Striving for equal leisure time.
Although a one-off conversation is unlikely to eliminate the assumptions men can make based on societal norms, it's a start. And these three questions are the perfect starting point for a healthier and happier relationship.
What does being a "provider" mean to you?
What do we value most in our partnership?
How can we support each other's careers and home lives together?
There are systems couples can employ to do just that. I am an Accredited Financial Counselor and Fair Play domestic labor specialist. I am well-trained in such systems and am the only person credentialed in both.
But before systems can be successful, couples must divorce money from masculinity, expand what it means to be a provider to include domestic labor and caregiving, and through radical acceptance, realize that traditional and societal norms can make this challenging to do.
I would be honored to support your goals in your relationship, where money and domestic labor intersect.
Schedule a time to connect.
