Sharing the Mental Load

As a dual career couple, my wife and I know how challenging it can be to manage our careers while keeping the home running smoothly. The invisible to-do list we all carry—the mental load—plays a significant role in how well we balance everything. Yet, it’s often an overlooked topic.

So, what is the mental load? 

The mental load is that running checklist in your head that keeps your household and family functioning. It’s not just the task itself—like booking a doctor’s appointment—but also every subtask that comes with it: arranging time off work, coordinating with school for an absence, and following up afterward. 

The mental load grows as soon as you check something off the list, because every task breeds another responsibility.

Even without kids, we all carry a mental load, with or without kids. For example, who’s planning the holiday gifts in your family or organizing the logistics for dinner with friends? These tasks exist in all relationships and life stages. 

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For parents, though, the stakes feel higher. My wife and I split responsibilities, and even then, the mental load can sneak up on us. 

As an example, our youngest child, who’s taking an AP Chinese course, had a technical issue during class. I stepped away from work to help troubleshoot, coordinate with the learning system, and calm my child down. The process took an hour—and left me mentally drained afterward. It’s a small example, but these moments add up.

Traditionally, women are expected to carry the bulk of the mental load—raised to be the caretakers, the martyrs, the ones who “do it all.” Meanwhile, men are often raised to prioritize their careers, creating a dynamic that can be tough to break.

But men can and do step up. The key isn’t just “helping” with tasks—it’s about owning them completely. This means handling every detail of a task without needing constant reminders or input from your partner. 

For instance, if you’re in charge of the kids’ sports gear, ensure the cleats fit before the first practice, order replacements if necessary, and know where to buy them. Ownership like this frees your partner from the burden of managing you while also handling their own responsibilities.

In our home, we’ve embraced this philosophy. I take ownership of all school-related responsibilities, from filling out forms to resolving issues with online classes. My wife doesn’t need to check in or double-check my work because it’s on me to handle it. This not only makes our home run more efficiently but also strengthens our teamwork and mutual respect.

By sharing and owning the mental load, dual career couples can create an environment where both partners thrive—at home and at work. If you’re ready to dig deeper into this topic and find actionable strategies for your own relationship, check out "The Ultimate Guide to the Mental Load."

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