Workaholism and Marriage: How Work Addiction Hurts Relationships and Family Life
You’d think that as much as I write about money and chores, it’s because those are the causes of arguments in our marriage. For the most part, that’s actually not the case. Sure, we have an occasional conflict, but very few have been significant.
The only issue I created that has been, and from time to time continues to be, is my work addiction. If you’re not a work addict, then you might think that’s a badge of honor. It's one of those things you say in an interview when they ask for a weakness, and you tell them you work too hard. But for fellow work addicts, you know how hard it can be on a relationship.
My work addiction issues are my issues. They have never stemmed from bosses that pushed too hard or from parents who somehow screwed me up. But they’re there nonetheless.
I purchased Never Not Working by Dr. Malissa Clark because I wanted to better understand myself and uncover more solutions. After reading the book, I was convinced that others like me, some of whom might follow my work at Modern Husbands, would enjoy learning from Dr. Clark. She was kind enough to join us on the Modern Husbands Podcast, which you can listen to below.
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This post is more than a book review. It’s a confession of sorts, full of lessons I've learned. And it’s jam-packed with lessons from Dr. Clark’s book and what she shared on the Modern Husbands Podcast.
By the way, if you think work might be getting in the way of your personal life because of your own relationship with work, buy Never Not Working.
Are You a Hard Worker—or a Workaholic?
“Workaholism… is much more than just work hours.”
— Dr. Malissa Clark
Do you ever feel guilty when you sit down alone and don’t work? I do. I feel lazy and unproductive. What’s wrong with having the TV on with your laptop open, doing some light work? Apparently, a lot.
Dr. Clark mentioned this on the podcast: “One way we trick ourselves into thinking we’re disengaging—I call it ‘working light.’” I’m very guilty of this; it triggers my wife to see me in the living room on my laptop. I’ll explain more in a bit. For now, let’s distinguish between working hard and workaholism or work addiction.
Most of us experience busy seasons in our work lives. Tax attorneys are swamped during the first four months of the year. Retail workers rarely get a break during the holiday season. But we do that work because we have to, not because it’s a problem with us.
The most useful diagnostic question we can ask ourselves: What happens when you aren’t working?
Someone working hard may enjoy a vacation or slow period; someone struggling with workaholism may still feel compelled to work, think about work, or experience guilt.
Our Culture Rewards the Very Behaviors That Can Hurt Us
Be first in the office and the last out. Work on vacation. Respond to emails at all hours. Many managers see this and promote you for it, and our culture awards workaholics with a badge of honor. Workplaces that reward an “always on” mentality can actually exacerbate workaholic tendencies.
Think about how pernicious this can be for parents. Dads who don’t feel like they can take paternity leave. Moms who work, literally during childbirth (yes, Dr. Clark did this). Husbands who take a work call just before a vasectomy and stay on the call during the procedure (yep, that was me). At the time, you feel like because you’re working so hard, you’re an exceptionally good person. And that’s what society tells you.
But it’s wrong. It’s unhealthy and no way to live your life.
When Your Workload Becomes Your Spouse’s Mental Load
It probably comes as no surprise to you that, through her research and interviews, Dr. Clark found that spouses of workaholics often take on more of both the physical household labor and the mental load. So of course, partners of work addicts also report lower marital satisfaction. I’m sure this was the case with my wife, but she would never tell me so because I needed two full-time jobs for us to afford to provide our children with the educational opportunities we believed were most important.
A recurring comment she heard from partners was essentially, “I feel like a single parent.”
I worked all of the time, and for most of that time, I needed to. It made financial sense for our family, but I question whether it was the right thing to do. It left my wife to manage nearly all of the mental load that comes with the work inside our homes. And she never complained about it, not one time.
But imagine that my wife wanted to do more at work at that time. I would have left her with the unbearable task of managing the mental load of two full-time jobs. But that’s what happens to the spouses of work addicts, and that’s where resentment grows.
You Can’t Mentally Come Home
“Even if their partner’s not working, they’re in another world. They’re not really… present with the family.”
— Dr. Malissa Clark
My laptop triggers my wife. She doesn’t want to see it, and she certainly doesn’t want to see me on it. It’s my fault; for much of our marriage, something inside me told me I didn’t deserve to stop working. It was an addiction.
On long drives, I thought about work or worked on my laptop while my wife drove. I sat beside her, but I wasn't mentally with her. I felt guilty when I wasn’t working.
Think about your own habits. Do you do any of these things?
Checking your phone for work when you're at your kids' game
Thinking about tomorrow’s meeting when you should be listening to your wife
Jumping on your laptop in the living room when you're watching a movie as a family
Waking in the middle of the night thinking about work, and you can't go back to sleep
The real problem is when you don't give your family your full attention when you're with them.
Recovery Requires Something More Powerful Than “Just Stop Working”
There is no single prescription for overcoming work addiction. But Dr. Clark did share great ideas in her book and during our podcast recording.
She recommends deliberately immersing yourself in something challenging and unrelated to work. Maybe that's why fantasy football is so popular. You're not just watching the game; you have a vested interest in a bunch of players on many different teams.
The bottom line is that the experience must detach us psychologically from work by redirecting our competitive energy elsewhere.
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