Beyond the Blame: How Systems, Not Stereotypes, Make Men Better Partners

When relationship roles are clear and domestic labor systems are in place, men are active parents and fair domestic work contributors.

Men are navigating a world of mixed messages. On one hand, there is a lingering feeling that they need to be the breadwinner, and for good reason. While 72% of men and 71% of women say a man needs to be able to provide financially for his family to be a good husband or partner, just a quarter of men say this is very important for a woman to be a good wife or partner.

On the other hand, only 7% of adults believe society values men's contributions at home more these days.

What's clear is that some men hear that they must be the breadwinner and do at least half of the domestic labor, but they'll only be respected and appreciated for their work accomplishments.

These mixed messages lead to a pernicious slippage of time disparities at work and home that falls on the shoulders of women.

A tidal wave of data and unleashing of bottled-up frustration by women who, on average, have shouldered the heaviest burdens at home are leading to much-needed conversations about how marriages today can work better by establishing roles that complement the modern workplace rather than work against it.

The solution? Clarity, love, and domestic labor systems.

Clarity on what it means to be a partner and provider in our modern world is the solution for men to be more active in parenting and domestic work and for happier marriages. Be clear. Be deliberate. Here's why.

Women are now outpacing men as college graduates at every level of education. In 45% of households, women earn the same or more than their husbands.

As a culture of excellence and high expectations for women at work have taken root, so has the need for women to receive the support they need at home to reach their career goals.  As highlighted by Nobel Prize-winning economist Dr. Claudia Goldin, the driving factor of today's gender pay gap stems from what she calls the "greedy work" done in careers, the long hours in the office that lead to promotions but leave a void of work to be filled at home, work historically filled by women.

Suppose we strip away gender norms and assess what makes us happiest professionally and relationally. We might find that more women enjoy the challenges at work more than at home, and more men relish their time with the kids or tackling some of the tasks needed in the house more than their careers.

Perhaps more marriages will be better off when “she” is doing the “greedy work.”

Research has found that men are happier and less stressed when they do more housework. We also know that wives want more sex when men do more chores.

My wife and I in Hawaii

Again, husbands need clarity. If their wives wish to conquer the world professionally, working husbands will make their wives happier by providing the support they need inside the home as caregivers and domestic managers.

We hosted Dr. Joshua Coleman on the Modern Husbands podcast. He is a psychologist and author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework. He believes positive affirmation from wives to their husbands is significant, an opinion I share.

Dr. Coleman also shared that men are more likely to partake in an equitable division of labor when they are doing for their partners, not just because the task needs to be done. Men see it as a motivating act of love, a feeling that resonates with me. Whether that feeling is a misplaced sense of duty or not is debatable, but what’s not is when any partner feels valued and affirmed in acts motivated by love.

Working through a lifetime of messaging and judgment isn't easy for men. We love our partners, and it weighs heavily on many men if we're not providing in the same ways society expects. Men need to be told how much they're appreciated when they do the work that society is telling them is not appreciated when men do it.

Remember, only 7% of adults believe society values men's contributions at home more these days, it’s nearly 5 times that for women.

For relationships where one partner is ambitious and the other prefers to spend more time doing domestic labor and caregiving, such a solution can lead to clearly established roles liberated from gender norms that suffocate a happy marriage.

What if both partners want to conquer their professional worlds?

Be intentional and clear.

Take turns in your roles at home. There's no doubt that both partners can be successful with careful planning and a willingness to outsource, but there's still a need for clarity regarding who handles the messiness of life that can't be planned for or outsourced.

Again, men need clarity. My wife and I have taken turns in our marriage as the gardener and the rose. The gardener nourishes the home environment so the rose can blossom in their career. We both work, but the rose does the "greedy work" needed to advance in the workplace.

Clarity prevents resentment for the gardener to shoulder more at home.

What doesn't work? Telling men that they suck. Blaming all men for the problems created by some men now and in the past. Assuming malintent, domestic incompetence, and caregiving ineptitude based on our gender, not who we are or the kind of partner we want to be.

Said differently, what doesn't work is when men are treated in our roles at home as women were historically treated in their roles at work. Men can't be happy as caregivers or shouldering their fair share of domestic labor when they are talked down to, micromanaged, and dismissed for their contributions.

Systems are solutions when gender doesn't restrain our happiness and marital roles. I started my journey in building out Modern Husbands by reading Equal Partners by Dr. Kate Mangino to do just that. And the foundation of the system that works in our home derives from Eve Rodsky's book, Fair Play.

I'm proud to be a Fair Play Facilitator. The system allows for the intentional and clear responsibilities of domestic labor and caregiving to be assigned and executed free from the frustrations partners experience when they are talked down to, micromanaged, and dismissed for their contributions.

Your home is a small business, and the effort required to manage it should be treated as such. Teamwork is possible when our roles and responsibilities in the home are clear and systems are implemented to execute our roles with efficiency, empathy, appreciation, and love for one another.

Please reach out if you want support in your relationship to create a domestic labor system that works in your relationship. 

I'm the only Accredited Financial Counselor® and Fair Play Facilitator®, empowering high-achieving couples with systems to manage money and the home as a team — drawn from decades of national leadership and lived experience.

I combine professional expertise and lived experience to help couples run the business of their home with intention, efficiency, and fairness.

Apply now if you're ready to build a relationship that works like a team — where both partners shine.