A New Perspective for Breadwinning Couples

Let’s talk about something many couples face but often don’t discuss openly: what happens when she earns more than he does. It’s a scenario more common than ever, yet societal norms haven’t fully caught up.

Research (linked below) shows that in these so-called "non-traditional" couples, some habits and misperceptions creep in, sometimes without us even noticing. If you’re navigating this dynamic, I’m here to share actionable steps to help both partners thrive together.

Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room

The research is clear: societal expectations still put pressure on men to be the primary earners. Couples often respond to this pressure in subtle ways, such as inflating the husband’s income in conversations or deflecting attention from the wife’s financial contributions.

Acknowledging these ingrained beliefs is the first step to breaking free of them.

Husband Guilt

"Mom Guilt" is common among women who have achieved success in their careers. They cannot do all their mothers did for them, and women feel unfairly guilty.

Research shows that men feel most comfortable when they contribute 60% of the household income. Their anxiety increases if they contribute less.

Men and women need to redefine what it means to be a great husband and father. Providing goes beyond a paycheck: caregiving, domestic work, and emotional support.

Both men and women should ask their partners for support beyond a paycheck, just as women should emphasize how important it is to them. Women must be clear, and positive reinforcement for equal partners at home is especially significant for men who are not the financial breadwinners.

Men often struggle to express their emotions. When they do, listen and take them very seriously. Dismissiveness makes them unlikely to share again.

Discuss how these norms might be influencing your relationship and decisions.

Celebrate the Team Effort

It’s time to focus on the “we” rather than “me vs. you.” Whether one partner is earning more or not, remember that financial success is a shared achievement.

Create rituals to celebrate milestones together—whether it’s paying off debt, hitting a savings goal, or investing in a dream vacation. This builds unity and reminds both of you that it’s not about who earns what, but about what you accomplish together.

Flip the Script on Expectations

If you’re the breadwinning woman, you might feel a sense of guilt or pressure to “make up” for earning more by doing more at home. If you’re the husband, you might feel the need to overcompensate by downplaying her success. Let’s ditch these patterns.

Here’s what you can do instead:

Breadwinning women

Let go of the need to over-perform at home. Your financial contributions are just as valuable as traditional homemaking tasks. Discuss ways to share household responsibilities fairly based on time, energy, and skills; not outdated gender roles.

Supportive husbands

Embrace your partner’s success as a win for the team. If you’re not already, take pride in stepping into roles traditionally seen as “hers.” Whether it’s meal prepping, school drop-offs, or planning social events, these contributions are vital.

Share Financial Leadership

Money is one of the top stressors for couples, but it doesn’t have to be. Sharing financial responsibilities, regardless of who earns more, ensures that both partners feel involved and respected.

Fast Fact: Research has found that merging your finances will cause happiness for engaged and first time married couples.

Create a financial plan together

Sit down regularly to discuss goals, budgets, and big decisions. Use this time to align your priorities and check in with each other’s feelings. The best way to begin is to schedule a Money Date.

Play to each other’s strengths

One of you might love crunching numbers, while the other excels at long-term planning. Divide financial tasks in a way that makes the most sense for your relationship.

Related Podcast Episode with Dr. Scott Rick

Communicate openly

Make space for honest conversations about finances without judgment. Financial infidelity can create serious problems in a marriage. According to a NEFE survey,

“16% of respondents surveyed reported that financial infidelity ultimately led to divorce.”

The reasons couples commit financial infidelity vary. Financial infidelity can occur because spouses do not agree on spending decisions, which often leads to unneeded arguments.

According to the same NEFE survey, other reasons couples commit financial infidelity include:

Some partners believe that some aspects of their financial lives should remain private.
Feelings of guilt or shame around a financial decision.
Lack of regular communication about money.

Transparency builds trust and helps avoid resentment.

Reframe Success

For many men, traditional ideas of masculinity are tied to earning power. But success comes in many forms. If your partner earns more, focus on the value you bring to the relationship, whether that’s emotional support, managing the home, or advancing in other areas of your life.

Breadwinning women can encourage this by expressing appreciation for all contributions, financial or otherwise.

Call Out and Challenge Bias

This dynamic is not just a private matter, it’s shaped by societal attitudes, too. Research shows that women who outearn their husbands are often perceived differently, and couples might feel judged for not fitting the mold.

Be each other’s biggest advocate. Whether it’s supporting her at a work event or standing up for his choices as a stay-at-home dad, small actions can shift perspectives and strengthen your bond.

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