How to Protect Your Relationship from the Hidden Strain of Everyday Life

Most couples aren’t undone by a single explosive argument. Instead, relationships often unravel under the weight of daily stress: silent, persistent, and misunderstood. 

That is according to licensed marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, author of Till Stress Do Us Part. 

From unspoken tension after work to the invisible juggling act of household responsibilities, stress has a sneaky way of building a wedge between even the most loving partners.

In a powerful episode of the Modern Husbands Podcast, we sat down with Mrs. Earnshaw, who pulled back the curtain on how modern stressors for dual-career couples: impact connection, communication, and long-term satisfaction in marriage.

What follows are eight tips to protect your relationship from the hidden strain of everyday life.

1. Understanding the Two Types of Stress in Relationships

According to Elizabeth, stress typically falls into two categories:

• External Stressors: These come from outside the relationship—bad days at work, traffic, financial pressures, or family drama.

• Internal Stressors: These stem from the relationship itself—emotional disconnection, disagreements over parenting, or recurring conflicts.

  
  

While either type of stress can strain a relationship, the real challenge is when both are present; and we don’t realize how much they’re affecting us.

“People in relationships have within their home external and internal stressors that are kind of like mixing in a soup together,” Elizabeth said. “And that impacts how they feel individually and how they relate to each other.”

2. Don’t Bring It Home (Unless You Do It Right)

We've all heard the advice not to "bring work stress home." But the reality is, you do bring it home, because you're human. The difference is in how you bring it home.

Instead of suppressing stress or exploding without warning, Elizabeth recommends narrating your experience. A simple statement like...

“I had a rough day. I’m feeling a little off—it’s not you." 

... can prevent your partner and kids from assuming they’re to blame.

This strategy creates emotional safety in your home, especially when children are involved. I think about all the times my kids thought they did something wrong, when really I was just stressed.

3. What Is Mental Load—and Why It’s the Root of Resentment

If physical labor is doing the dishes, mental load is remembering they need to be done before guests arrive, realizing we’re low on detergent, and knowing who will complain if the dishwasher is loaded “wrong.”

Mental load is often invisible—and disproportionately carried by women. It’s the constant background buzz of remembering, planning, delegating, and anticipating.

“I’ve met maybe one man who understood mental load and didn’t care,” Elizabeth said. “Most just can’t see it. They weren’t socialized to.”

Men want to help. But without understanding the full mental picture, their contributions may feel misaligned, and leave their partners feeling unsupported and overwhelmed.

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Related: The Ultimate Guide to the Mental Load—What You Need to Know for a Stronger Marriage

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4. The Fair Play Method: Sharing More Than Just Chores

Once both partners acknowledge that the mental load is real, it becomes possible to make real change. Elizabeth recommends the Fair Play Method, which emphasizes:

• Full Ownership: One person owns a task from start to finish. If your partner is responsible for handling the vet, you don’t need to remind them to schedule the appointment after the dog throws up.

• Agreed-Upon Standards: For example, if one partner handles meal planning, agree together on the minimum standard—like including a protein and a vegetable—not the perfect dinner.

• Emotional Flexibility: Let go of the desire for control. Accept help, even if it’s done differently than how you would do it.

  
  

I am a Certified Fair Play Facilitator. Click here to learn more about how I can provide domestic labor support in your relationship. 

5. Setting Boundaries to Protect Your Relationship

Some stress is inevitable. But some we invite in by failing to set boundaries.

Elizabeth encourages couples to consider:

"Who are you protecting—your partner or someone else’s comfort?"

Examples of porous boundaries include:

• Saying yes to volunteer roles when you’re already maxed out.

• Prioritizing your boss’s praise over your spouse’s wellbeing.

• Sending money to extended family when your own family is struggling financially.

  
  

“If I’m choosing other people’s comfort over my partner’s,” she said, “then my boundaries are way too porous.”

Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do for your marriage.

6. What Stress Does to Your Brain (and Why It Ruins Date Night)

When we’re under stress, our body enters “threat mode.” Heart racing. Muscles tense. We go into fight, flight, or freeze—even during a conversation with our partner.

What disappears?

• Curiosity

• Affection

• Humor

She even uses pulse oximeters in therapy sessions to help couples recognize when stress is hijacking their ability to connect—so they can respond with empathy, not blame.

7. What Every New Parent Needs to Know

The postpartum period isn’t just exhausting—it’s physiologically threatening.

“Your partner has just gone through a medical event and now has to keep a tiny human alive,” Elizabeth said. “They are in a hyper state of threat.”

Her advice to new dads:

• Don’t downplay your partner’s concerns—even if they seem irrational.

• Your role is to make her feel safe again. That may mean backing her up on seemingly small things (like who holds the baby or whether to skip an event).

• And above all: Know that the stress you're facing is normal—and that you’re both doing your best.

  
  

8. Three Practices Couples Can Start Today

To wrap up the episode, Elizabeth shared three concrete ways couples can protect their relationship from the weight of everyday stress:

1. Complete Your Stress Cycle

Create a daily habit to release stress—running, journaling, meditating, sitting in a “timeout chair.” Find what works for you.

2. Practice Co-Regulation

Stay grounded when your partner is stressed. Your calm can help prevent their stress from escalating into a fight.

3. Clarify Your Boundaries

Say no to things that drain your time, money, and emotional energy—especially if it comes at the cost of your partner’s comfort or your relationship’s peace.

It’s Not You. It’s the Stress.

“The most important thing you can do in your relationship is to remember that the point of partnership is to have a united front against the world—not against each other.” – Elizabeth Earnshaw

Modern life is full of stress. But stress doesn’t have to sabotage your marriage. When couples name it, normalize it, and navigate it together, they can rediscover the joy and intimacy they once shared.

🎧 Listen to the full episode of the Modern Husbands Podcast to hear more of Elizabeth’s insights, personal stories, and tools for building a resilient, stress-proof relationship.

🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Apple.

🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Spotify.

📘 Grab a copy of Elizabeth’s book Till Stress Do Us Part wherever books are sold, and follow her on Instagram at @lizlistens.

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