Perfection Has No Gender: How Blame, Misandry, and Misogyny Undermine Marital Teamwork
I confess that I don’t love social media. I spend most of my time on Instagram for work, and I don’t hop off soon enough to avoid a bit of doomscrolling. My algorithms typically feed me positive content about couples, but from time to time I’ll run across a “woman hater” or a “man hater” who makes my skin crawl.
Algorithms do not reward nuance. So the relationship tips fed to your accounts probably feel sharper and include some form of outrage. They use assumptions to make snap judgments. And I’ve noticed that relationship content is almost always one-sided because it’s easier to attract a crystal-clear target market that way, and those viewers want to be told that they’re always right or a victim.
Healthy marriages are built on a foundation of love and respect. That plays out in a relationship when you assume positive intent. But if your social media is feeding you instance after instance portraying someone as bad because of their gender, then that thinking could creep into your relationship.
My mission at Modern Husbands is to serve the relationship, not feed an algorithm. I share much of what I have to say from the perspective of a man seeking to be better for his partner, and I share ideas for how we can feel better about ourselves.
Perfection Has No Gender
Toxic behavior isn't masculine or feminine. There are plenty of toxic people from all genders. Yet social media is full of content framed as “all men are like this” or “all women always do that.” Even worse is when they say, “I don’t mean all men (or women),” with a snarky wink.
The worst performers will double down, telling you that you must be a bad person if you take exception to their perspective.
Blame feels powerful in the moment. For some, it feels good when someone is telling you that you’re superior because of your gender. But that kind of toxic thinking oppressed women for thousands of years, and I fear we’ve started a U-turn from progress.
How Gender-Based Blame Erodes Marital Teamwork
At Modern Husbands, we view marriage as a team sport and strive to see the good in our partners and ourselves. But gender-based blame can dismantle teamwork by turning teammates into competitors. Here are three ways gender-based blame does so:
Gender-based blame replaces curiosity with certainty
When you believe your partner’s flaws are grounded in their gender, you stop asking questions. You stop trying to understand. Worst of all, you assume bad intent.
Gender-based blame turns conflict into identity warfare
Instead of “this behavior hurt me,” arguments become “this is what men do” or “this is how women are.” Even those with a rudimentary understanding of conflict resolution know that attacking the person, not the behavior, is a big no-no.
Gender-based blame justifies emotional distancing
If you decide your partner’s gender is the source of the problem, disengagement starts to feel like self-protection instead of avoidance.
Marriage stops being about solving problems together and starts becoming about winning arguments against a category of people.
What Healthy Couples Do Instead of Playing the Gender Game
Healthy couples refuse to reduce each other to stereotypes. Instead, they build habits that protect the team.
They name behaviors instead of attacking character.
They repair quickly instead of keeping score.
They believe growth is mutual, not one-sided.
They treat chores, money, parenting, and emotional labor as shared leadership, not assigned roles.
They are willing to be uncomfortable in order to stay connected.
One of my favorite scenes from Ted Lasso is when Rupert challenges Ted Lasso to a game of darts. You can apply the lesson to your relationship: be curious, not judgmental.
Professional Support for Couples
Social media is not therapy. Hell, it might make things worse. But if you still want to follow an account that is full of loving tips for your relationship, follow Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Aly Bullock. I check her account daily for ideas to be better in my relationship.
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I support couples who want to manage money or the home as a team. I'm the only Certified Financial Therapist™, Accredited Financial Counselor®, and Fair Play Facilitator®, empowering high-achieving couples with systems to manage money and the home as a team — drawn from decades of national leadership and lived experience.
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Original Post: 8/1/26
Updated Post: 9/17/26
