The Truth About Gender and Breadwinning

What I’m going to share will be unpopular with those who often appreciate my perspective.

A man’s worth in a relationship is tied to his paycheck (in the majority of cases). I don’t want it to be true. Many of you don’t want it to be true. But it is. Here are the facts according to PEW:

Nearly equal shares of men and women (72% and 71%, respectively) believe that a man needs to be able to provide for his family to be a good husband or partner; yet, only 25% of men and 39% of women believe that women must be financially capable of being a provider.

There isn’t a new generational evolution that decouples money and masculinity, either. Consider this: women earn the same or much more than their husbands in 45% of marriages.

Yet, in most income brackets, women marry men who earn more. And in 2023, 63% of recently married men earned more than their new brides, and 5% earned about the same.

Sure, there are outliers to the view that men should be breadwinners; some of you reading this could very well be one. If you’re a female upper-income earner who feels this way, you are likely an outlier.

Last summer, I read Eli Finkel's book, The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work. What crystallized for me is that much of the history of marriage in the United States was rooted in survival, or at best, pragmatism.

Finkel used “Mount Maslow,” a reference to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, to make his point.

Finkel explains that there are three major eras of marriage: pragmatic, love-based, and self-expressive. He points out that there has been a dramatic shift in expectations.

“People are increasingly seeking self-actualization in their marriages, expecting their partner to be all things to them.”

The data backs up Finkel’s perspective. When women are thriving economically rather than just surviving, what they look for in a partner changes. They define “provider” in emotional, relational, and logistical terms, not just financial ones.

But breadwinning pressures don’t vanish just because incomes shift—they need to be actively addressed in relationships. There is nuance in conversations about domestic labor and money management.

We can’t say out of one side of our mouths that men need to step up at home and out of the other side of our mouths, punish them for working longer hours outside of the home to compensate for the inherent or implicit pressure from partners of being the breadwinner.

Particularly when they have not been convinced that their role as a provider is more heavily weighted toward emotional, relationship, and logistical aspects.

Although a one-off conversation is unlikely to dispel the assumptions men can make based on societal norms, it’s a start. And these three questions are the perfect starting point for a healthier and happier relationship.

• What does being a “provider” mean to you?

• What do we value most in our partnership?

• How can we support each other’s careers and home lives—together?

Just as women who work longer hours outside of the home than their mothers did need to be reassured that they are excellent mothers, men who work fewer hours outside of the home than their fathers did need to be convinced that they are great providers, because they have broadened their role beyond what their fathers did.

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