Am I the Jerk for Wanting to Break Up With My Boyfriend Because I Don’t See a Financially Stable Future With Him?

I saw this on Reddit and was immediately drawn into the discussion.

First, before we dive into this post, I want to make sure people understand that being financially healthy and having your basic needs met is necessary to be happy. It’s something that you should do together.

I’m not suggesting that, like, gold digging is good. It’s obviously not good if someone’s building a relationship with you because you have money. That is very unhealthy and dangerous.

Anyhow, she isn't asking, “Should he stop supporting his parents for me?” 

She is asking, “Can I happily build the kind of life I want with someone whose financial priorities look like this?”

The Real Issues

This is a values issue, not simply a budgeting issue

She seems to believe helping family should have limits when it threatens your own financial stability, and that’s not wrong. 

He may believe supporting his parents comes first, even when their spending choices are discretionary. And that’s not wrong. 

Neither belief necessarily makes someone a bad person, but those beliefs can be hard to reconcile. All of us have a complicated relationship with money that starts in childhood. For all I know, it could be a cultural choice in his family to take care of your parents when they’re older, with the expectation that your children will do the same for you. 

That’s only half the story. Her money story could derive from financial trauma that has scripted her life to feel the need for consistent financial security. And that clashes with their current circumstances. 

Three years is meaningful evidence

She originally believed the situation was temporary. It hasn't been. 

When considering a future with your partner, it’s best to evaluate what they’ve done, not what they are telling you they will do. What he’s shown is an unwillingness to follow through on his promise that the support he provides his parents is only temporary. 

She cannot create his boundaries for him

If she has to become the person constantly saying, “No, we can't afford to give your parents that,” she risks becoming the financial gatekeeper. Gulp. That’s not good because it could turn her into the villain in the relationship. 

Lending or giving money to family or friends is complicated, an issue I’ve written about in the past. Read Should You Lend Money to Family or Friends? A Guide for Couples to learn more.

His choices could eventually become her sacrifices

Once they combine their lives, money he sends elsewhere will mean less money for their own lives. At a time when much of America is already financially stressed, this will only add more stress to their relationship. 

Ending a relationship doesn't require someone to have done something wrong

Sometimes two good people want fundamentally different things. And that could be the case here. 

Moving Forward

But finding a partner who, together, you can be financially stable with is, in my opinion, the floor. You have to have that. You also have to have trust.

He initially told her that supporting his parents financially was temporary. That was three years ago. Even the most well-intended decisions, like helping support your family, can be a form of financial infidelity if you lie to your partner about it. Worse, his parents go on expensive vacations.

It’s not wrong for her to be fearful that this won’t end, because it probably won’t. I mean, three years is meaningful evidence that it won’t.

And she cannot create his boundaries for him. That’s the bottom line. She’s working, and they’re trying to build a life together. That money she’s earning, and they’re earning together, is going to continue to go to his parents, who can clearly afford to live on their own. This is a values misalignment in how he sees the world and how she sees the world. And it could end their relationship. 

I'm the only Certified Financial Therapist™, Accredited Financial Counselor®, and Fair Play Facilitator®, empowering high-achieving couples with systems to manage money and the home as a team—drawing on decades of national leadership and lived experience.

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