How Couples Can Share the Mental Load More Fairly
- Brian Page
- 10 minutes ago
- 6 min read
In the first part of my talk with Dr. Leah Ruppanner, a sociologist and author of Drained, we talked about what the mental load really means. It’s the unseen emotional work that keeps work, family, and life running smoothly. We also looked at how many women end up carrying more of this load, even when both partners have jobs and help out at home.
In the second half of our conversation, we moved from the problem to practical ways couples can be more fair with each other. What stood out to me about Dr. Ruppanner’s view is that she doesn’t see the mental load as a fight between men and women. She sees it as a problem caused by social expectations, cultural norms, work pressures, and family habits that shape how couples share emotional labor.
One of her most important points was simple but strong: our mental energy has limits. “You can’t spend it as if it is infinite,” she told us. This idea changed how I thought about the topic, because most couples don’t stop to ask whether the emotional energy they use is sustainable. Instead, they keep going even when they’re exhausted, and then wonder why they feel more overwhelmed and distant from each other.
Why Equal Leisure Time Matters
During our talk, I shared an idea that matters a lot in my own marriage: equal time to relax. I don’t think every couple has to split every chore exactly in half. Life changes, jobs change, and parenting needs to shift. Sometimes, one partner will naturally take on more in one area than the other.
What matters most to me is that both partners get about the same chance for real, uninterrupted time to recharge.
Dr. Ruppanner agreed, saying that equal leisure time helps couples focus on results rather than worrying about every task. One partner might work more outside the home while the other does more inside. But if one person always gets less rest and fewer opportunities to recover, resentment usually builds.
Research shows that fathers are doing more childcare and housework than men did in the past. But women’s workloads haven’t gone down as much. Men are helping more than ever, but women still often have too much to do because expectations for mothers have also grown. This leaves both partners feeling worn out.
The Emotional Weight of Invisible Work
One of Dr. Ruppanner’s most useful ideas was an exercise in which couples picture starting the day with a pile of coins representing their emotional energy. As the day goes on, different tasks “cost” different amounts, depending on how tiring they feel to each person.
For example, one person might think unloading the dishwasher is no big deal, but it can feel like a lot to the other after a long day at work. Things like managing schedules, handling kids’ arguments, dealing with school emails, or planning ahead can also drain one partner much more than the other.
The point of this exercise isn’t to figure out who works harder. It’s to show that the same task can feel very different depending on the person, their stress, and what else is going on in their life. Couples often argue because they assume their partner feels the same way about tasks, but emotional labor is very personal.
This is especially important when talking about emotional support work. Dr. Ruppanner explained that many women are always keeping track of how family, friends, coworkers, and others are feeling. They check in on people, remember birthdays, notice tension, keep up relationships, and try not to let anyone down emotionally.
Many men don’t realize how much mental energy this takes because most of it happens inside and isn’t visible.
Appreciation Is More Powerful Than Most Couples Realize
One of the most interesting parts of our talk was about what makes couples happy. Dr. Ruppanner said the happiest couples aren’t always the ones who split chores perfectly. Instead, they’re the ones in which both people truly appreciate what the other does.
In other words, both partners felt the other was really contributing.
That idea stayed with me because appreciation changes how a marriage feels. When couples start keeping score, every chore feels like a trade. But when both people feel noticed, valued, and appreciated, working together at home feels more like a team effort and less like a fight.
This came up again when we talked about what Dr. Ruppanner calls “magic making.” These are the things people do to create special holidays, traditions, trips, birthdays, and family memories. In my own marriage, my wife truly enjoys this kind of work. She loves making special moments for our family.
What I learned from our talk is that support doesn’t always mean taking over a job completely. Sometimes, it means helping out where you can and showing real thanks for the effort. Many people don’t want these jobs taken away—they just want their work to be noticed and appreciated.
Helping Women Dream Again
The part of our conversation that touched me most was about building dreams. Dr. Ruppanner said that many women slowly stop thinking about their own goals because they get caught up in helping everyone else reach theirs first. She suggested that husbands ask their wives a deceptively simple question: “Where do you want to be in one, three, and five years?”
Not where the family should be.
Not where the children should be.
Where she wants to be.
What stood out to me was Dr. Ruppanner’s point that many women first talk about everyone else’s future, not their own. This isn’t selfish or avoiding the question—it’s a habit. Many women have spent years putting themselves last.
As husbands, we often think of support as just helping when we’re asked. But real support also means making room for our partners to find their own goals, interests, and dreams again.
Some Mental Load Comes From Broken Systems
Near the end of our talk, we discussed something that often gets overlooked when discussing household inequality: many forms of mental load worsen because of broken systems.
Today, parents are expected to handle problems such as expensive childcare, insufficient paid leave, complex healthcare, money worries, school pressures, and higher living costs on their own. Families are dealing with huge stress that earlier generations either shared more of or didn’t face as much of.
Dr. Ruppanner spoke candidly about her own experience with breast cancer while also handling the stress and challenges of the American healthcare system. Her point wasn’t just that caregiving is tough—it’s that broken systems make the mental load for families much heavier. That stayed with me because so many couples blame themselves for struggling when, in reality, they are trying to function inside systems that make thriving extraordinarily difficult.
The Goal Is Awareness, Not Perfection
The main thing I learned from talking with Dr. Ruppanner is that couples don’t need to have perfectly equal marriages every day. What matters is being aware. Couples need to talk about emotional work, time to recover, appreciation, dreams, and support. They need to see that emotional energy is limited and treat it as a valuable resource in their relationship.
When couples start looking out for each other’s mental load instead of adding to it without realizing, marriages get healthier, calmer, and closer. This doesn’t happen by being perfect. It happens through thoughtfulness, care, and working together.
Here is the second part of my conversation with Dr. Leah Ruppanner.
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