“There’s three.”
Those were the words my wife shared with me following what was supposed to be an ordinary, routine pregnancy screening.
We had struggled with infertility for nearly a year leading up to that point. With a two year old son at home, we started to come to grips with the fact that maybe we were only meant to have one child. This was devastating as we both came from big families and wanted a big family of our own.
We had an army of family, friends, and community members praying for us, and it showed (My pastor brother-in-law jokes that we had “too many prayers”). After a couple rounds of fertility treatments, we were pregnant! Which leads us to the appointment mentioned above.
Nobody can prepare you for that type of news, and it took awhile for us to process it. I think we experienced every emotion in the book ranging from feelings of being absolute, unjustifiable blessing and excitement to complete, utter stress and terror. It had been a rollercoaster of a year leading up to that point, and, little did we know, it was just beginning.
Our heads were flooded with questions and concerns. We had heard tragic stories of pregnancies and births of multiples, so how could we do our best to make sure my wife and the babies were healthy? From a logistical standpoint, would we need to move to a bigger house or find a bigger car (I was not ready for a minivan)? From a family perspective, our picture of what “growing our family” looked like had been flipped upside down. How would our son handle this? Regarding our careers, how and when would we go back to work running our own businesses? And, of course, how will this affect our finances?
Our jobs provided us with many skills and tools to manage our money effectively in the past, but adding three babies would certainly change things.
Fast forward 15 months and boy, oh boy (oh boy) have things changed indeed. My wife was fortunate to have a fantastic pregnancy (easy for me to say; she carried 3 humans for 8 months) and in May of 2024 we were blessed with three amazing, healthy little boys.
With our family doubling overnight, we’ve had to learn and adjust in many areas of our lives, finances being one of them. As I mentioned, our jobs have been beneficial to us in both our relationship and our financial journey.
My wife, Claire, is a mental health therapist (LMSW) who specializes in working with couples. She owns Flourish Couples and Family Therapy, LLC where she also employs four other therapists with their own specialties.
My name is Landon Zwerk, I’m an Accredited Financial Counselor (AFC®) and owner of Flourish Financial Therapy, LLC where I utilize both financial and therapeutic practices to help clients gain peace, confidence, and clarity in their finances.
Through our [crazy] life at home, my wife’s work with couples, and my experience facilitating financial therapy, we’ve developed a pretty unique perspective on managing money and the home as a team. It goes without saying that we’re not perfect and we’re constantly learning, growing and changing, but here’s a few things I’ve found to be helpful so far in our finances:
Understand each other’s history with money
When you start dating someone new, you’re in the information gathering phase. The conversations are fun and exciting and range everywhere from hobbies and music to politics, religion and even intimacy. One topic almost always excluded from these discussions is money. Sure, it might come up in passing when talking through a new job offer or who is going to pick up the bill at dinner but the deeper, more meaningful, sometimes uncomfortable money questions are usually avoided. Questions like:
“How were finances dealt with growing up in your family?”
“Were money conversations in your house welcomed and transparent or scolded and secretive?”
“What were some memorable experiences you had involving money, positive or otherwise?” (financial flash points)
“What lessons did these experiences teach you, or what beliefs did these establish about money for you?” (money scripts)
“How has your view of money changed throughout your life?”
These aren’t questions many people think to ask. If you and your partner didn’t have these conversations prior to getting married, that’s ok, we didn’t either! It takes time and intentionality (and sometimes the help of a professional) but learning our partner’s history and beliefs about money can often help us understand their financial behaviors and work through money conflicts more effectively.
Not only this, but it also opens up conversations about how we can merge our lessons and beliefs to manage our finances together and model relational and financial health for our kids.
Know your “why” and the “what” and “how” become easier
One of the first topics I work through with clients is defining their personal and financial values (their “why”). If you’ve never thought about yours, here’s a few examples:
Honesty | Creativity | Adventure | Balance | Faith | Friendship |
Growth | Loyalty | Generosity | Security | Respect | Service |
Spontaneity | Legacy | Safety | Relationship | Learning | Family |
Freedom | Integrity | Achievement | Challenge | Health | Provision |
In a partnership, each person will have their own unique values list. Discuss your lists with each other, taking time to share the convictions behind your top values and understanding the reasoning in your partner’s as well.
Now, put together a new list of shared values that you both feel embodies your relationship and purpose. Some people miss or ignore this step but it's so important as you address your finances as a team. This shared list should serve as a sounding board or baseline for all of your financial decisions.
Once you understand your values as a couple, use them to craft your goals (“what” you want).I like to use the example of running a marathon. Not many people wake up and randomly decide to participate in such an extreme race. It’s incredibly taxing on your body, your mind, your time, money, family, etc. It’s hard. It’s stressful. But it's achievable if you have a purpose.
Maybe you’re a competitive athlete and value challenge and health so you set out to break your PR. Or you could be a parent with young kids who values family and achievement so you complete the race to show your kids they can do anything they set their mind to. In both cases, the goal to complete a marathon was motivated by values.
Finances are no different; our goals should be driven by our values. Both personally and with clients, I encourage setting short-term (less than 1 year), mid-term (1-5 years), and long-term (5+ years) S.M.A.R.T. goals. I’m sure you’re all familiar with this acronym. A good goal is: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely. Goals created utilizing this criteria are much more likely to be pursued and completed than those created haphazardly.
Once we understand our values (“why”), set our goals (“what”), the only thing left to do is to figure out the best way to do it (“how”).
In my experience, once we’ve determined goals and values, setting the plan and taking action becomes easier. If faith and generosity are important to you and your partner and you’ve set the goal to start adding $300 per month to your church tithe, you each take on an extra shift at work or meal prep together to save money.
If you want to retire at age 55 so you can adventure with your spouse and spend more time with family, you can invest $amount into a financial account/product for years. To boil it down: Values –> Goals –> Action
Related: How to Budget as a Couple
Talk about your numbers
The previous conversations and topics are crucial to the financial health of your partnership, but the work doesn’t end there. You also need to know your numbers. This starts with a spending plan.
If you’re not familiar with the term spending plan, it’s your budget. Whether you make $5 million per year or live paycheck to paycheck, this should be a part of your financial routine.
The reason I refer to it as a “spending plan” is because “budget” is often associated with shame, guilt, and deprivation. It’s a reality that we’re going to spend money, so we need to plan how to spend it. There’s an exhausting amount of spreadsheets, apps, templates and techniques to help you accomplish this but you really just need to know (and control) how much is coming in, how much is going out, and where it’s going.
A good place to start is the 50/30/20 rule: 50% of your income is spent on needs, 30% on wants, and 20% saved for the future. If you’re generosity-driven, the 80/10/10 template may work well for you: 80% for needs and wants, 10% saved for the future, and 10% earmarked for giving. There’s no right or wrong choice, find a method that you and your partner understand and can be consistent with.
It’s also important to think about numbers that aren’t in your immediate future. It may be easier in the moment, but avoidance and hope aren’t plans. A common piece of advice is to have a healthy emergency fund. Hardship is inevitably going to happen and an emergency fund will help soften the blow. Three to six months worth of expenses is a good number to shoot for but make sure to have that conversation with your partner to understand what would make them feel safe and secure.
Everyone has savings goals that require investing. This could be retirement, a home renovation, children’s education, a new boat or anything in between. Let this be your reminder to start having these conversations as soon as possible, because time is your friend when it comes to investing.
Know what you’re saving for, how much you’ll need, and where to put it. If you’re confident in your abilities, there’s plenty of online content geared towards DIY investing and planning. If you feel that guidance is needed, it may be best to seek the help of a professional to help you dial these things in.
Whether you do it yourself or work with a professional, a good rule of thumb is to only invest in things you understand. Does this mean you need to be a mutual fund expert or know the nitty gritty details of a variable annuity? Of course not. But you should be able to explain the basics to a friend.
While your investment account numbers may not always be what you’d like, and they may even make you uncomfortable, understanding them together will put you on a better path for the future.
You’re a team
If you take a single thing from the article, I hope it’s this: you and your partner are a team. It seems like such an obvious concept but Claire and I both see this as one of the most common areas where couples struggle. It’s one of the most important things we stress. While this lesson transcends all areas of partnership, it’s crucial to incorporate it into our finances as well.
Regardless of your circumstances, you’re nearly guaranteed to experience financial conflict at some point in your life. Whether you’re pinching pennies to buy groceries or arguing with your partner about which island to buy (the only reason we haven’t bought one yet), money conflicts find their way in.
No matter the scenario, remember that it's not you vs your partner, it’s you and your partner (your team) vs the problem. This small shift or reframing seems so simple but it can drastically change how we resolve conflict as a couple.
To piggyback on the last point, when these conflicts do arise, approach your partner with curiosity instead of criticism. If you’re anything like me, this is an active, conscious practice that takes real intentionality. As the person who takes the lead on our monthly spending plan, when I see Amazon packages show up at our front door or an unexpected charge on our credit card, my mind automatically jumps to criticism.
On the other hand, my wife typically handles the majority of our household purchasing; she does a great job making sure our boys are clothed, the fridge is full and our house is home. Instead of coming in hot with criticism thinking “what did she buy this time?” I can enter the conversation with curiosity knowing we share the same values as a team.
Adjusting to our new normal has also led us to have new conversations and re-assess our household roles and what they mean to us. Every household functions differently from both a family and maintenance perspective. This also changed with the birth of the triplets. Once they were born, I began staying home with them one day per week. My wife is home with them for two days and we childcare for the other two days. We both love our time at home with the boys and we place a high value on it, both in our relationship with our kids as well as financially.
Out of necessity, we also had to re-evaluate the sharing of household care and responsibilities. This topic really deserves its own separate article so I won’t go too in-depth, but the important thing to take away is to make sure you’re properly valuing and sharing the work inside the home. There are plenty of things that contribute to the success of the home that don’t flow through a bank account.
Give yourself a little grace
This is something that we’ve really had to work on. Since the triplets were born, our lives have been more full than ever before. And it wasn’t a slow, steady, gentle transition, it happened very quickly. The reality is that it impacted nearly every area of our lives: our family, friendships, careers, health, hobbies, finances and so on.
We wouldn’t trade this life for anything; God has given us exactly what we need, but it's also a challenge, and we’ve had to continuously remind ourselves that we deserve a little bit of grace as we figure things out. Odds are you didn’t have triplets (quite literally 99.99%), but you can replace that with any life event: the loss or change of a job, the passing of a loved one, a new marriage, the birth of a [single] baby, a big move, you name it.
All of these things can have significant effects on our lives, especially our finances, and it can take time to adjust. In a world of comparison, shame and guilt where we feel like we always need to have it all together, here’s your reminder that a little grace goes a long way in keeping us healthy.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Even in the best of circumstances, managing our finances as a team can be difficult. Conflicts are bound to arise when each spouse brings their own unique beliefs and behaviors into the partnership.
If you find yourself struggling in your finances, or one of the tips above piqued your interest, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. At Flourish Financial Therapy, LLC we work with individuals, couples, and businesses (providing employee benefits) to improve financial health by focusing both on the “nuts and bolts” of personal finance as well as the emotions behind our behaviors. If your needs extend beyond the scope of our expertise, we’re happy to point you in the direction of a trusted professional. Whatever the case, we’re here to help you on your journey to manage money and the home as a team.
About Landon Zwerk AFC®
Landon Zwerk is an Accredited Financial Counselor (AFC®) and member of the Financial Therapy Association and the Association for Financial Counseling and Planning Education.
After earning his bachelor’s degree in business management from Saginaw Valley State University, Landon gained experience in the family business space as well as, most recently, the financial planning/wealth management industry.
With a mind for personal finance and a heart for helping people, Landon founded Flourish Financial Therapy, LLC to help clients better understand their money.