How to Talk to Your Spouse About Money
- Brian Page
- Jun 17
- 6 min read
Updated: Aug 6
Managing money can be a significant source of stress for couples. Couples' financial disagreements are the strongest predictor of divorce. What's more, money is the greatest cause of stress for American adults.
I hope I have your attention.
Establishing a plan is essential for financial stability and conflict prevention, and it starts with open communication about money with your spouse.
How to Start the Conversation
I am a Certified Financial Therapist (and an Accredited Financial Counselor), and I meet with clients and groups regularly. Our Advisory Board is full of Financial Therapy Association Board Members. While we all offer unique perspectives on money and relationships, we agree that one of the most important steps is simply starting the conversation.
Schedule time to talk
Don't wait for a crisis to talk about money with your partner. As a matter of fact, there is no worse time to begin to talk about money. Money conversations prioritize suppressing the emotions that stand in the way of rational thinking. You and your partner have some control over the timing and environment of the conversation if you take the time to add it to your schedules.
Experts recommend regular household business meetings, often called money dates, to help couples stay aligned financially.
Conversations about money should be in a comfortable environment that allows you to discuss your shared goals, values, and your relationship with money.
Money dates are an ideal opportunity for partners to divide financial management tasks according to their skills and preferences. For example, one partner may manage investments and bills, while the other oversees insurance. It's not a bad idea for one partner to handle all finances, provided both have an equal voice in financial decisions.
As we recommended in a post, What is a Money Date?, start by identifying and sharing ideas about how money fits into each other's personal values.
Another helpful first step is to take our Money and Marriage quiz. Each response includes explanations to help you and your partner prepare for financial discussions. Completing the quiz also subscribes you to our newsletter, which provides practical ideas for managing money and the home as a team.
How Should We Talk About Money?
Discussing money might not be so easy for those who have experienced traumatic experiences around money. Their relationship with money could be more complicated. So be thoughtful, patient, and empathetic.
Discussing money is often difficult, especially for those who have not previously addressed it in depth. Couples may experience strong emotions such as anxiety, frustration, shame, guilt, or excitement.
In most cases, couples who start the conversation about money eventually find it easier over time.
Working through the emotions that come up when talking about money will empower you as a couple. Be an active listener by reinforcing what you have heard and asking clarifying questions. Take a break if either of you feels overwhelmed. Give each other grace for past mistakes; we all make them.
I highly recommend reading our previous post, What is a Money Date?, to prepare for the conversation.
Be Sensitive to Financial Trauma
Financial trauma is an emotional wounding that happens as a direct result of something to do specifically with money. Those who have experienced financial trauma will have a particularly difficult time discussing money.
On a past episode of the Modern Husbands Podcast, we hosted Rahkim Sabree CFEI®, RFC® AFC®. Rahkim is an author, Forbes columnist, and financial coach who focuses on the intersection of financial education and financial trauma as a barrier to achieving financial empowerment.
Financial infidelity
1 in 10 reported lying to their spouse/partner about how much money they earn, which is financial infidelity. Financial infidelity is when couples who have combined their finances deceive each other about money. Surveys repeatedly find that this is the case for 2 in 5 couples, which leads to several painful outcomes, including divorce for 16% of folks.
To manage money as a couple effectively, both spouses must be fully transparent about their earnings and see money as a tool to use together to bring more joy and security to the marriage.
I need to reiterate. Talk honestly. Failing to do so leads to a tornado of problems that can destroy your lives together.
Related reading: How to Manage Money in a Marriage A broader perspective about how you and your spouse can work together in partnership to manage money.
What If My Wife Is The Breadwinner?
Seventy-one percent of women believe it is important for a man to financially support a family. This expectation creates significant pressure on husbands, especially given that Pew reports that in 45 percent of dual-income households, women earn as much or more than their husbands. This may contribute to men being distressed when their wives earn more than forty percent of the household income.
Studies show that even when both partners earn similar incomes, women are more likely to assume primary responsibility for managing household finances. This imbalance can be detrimental to both husbands and marriages for several reasons.
First, even when women make as much or more than their husbands, they still do more at home. There is no way to know for certain why, but we do know this is unhealthy. If equal time is spent at work, equal time should be spent managing the home.
Second, money should not equal power in a relationship. As I shared in my monthly Op-Ed for MarketWatch, money should never be used as a weapon to control a marriage. To be clear, there can be many advantages to having one partner assume the primary role of managing household finances under the right conditions: there is a fair distribution of the time spent managing the home, and money has not been weaponized as a tool of control in the marriage.
Research shows that married couples are more likely to be happy when they practice sound financial management, such as budgeting and living within (or below) their means.
Related reading: How Should Money be Split in a Marriage?
Money Does NOT Equal Masculinity
Much of the strife and stress married men experience around money stems from outdated, conventional views of what it means to be a man. Men often feel pressured to fulfill traditional roles. These outdated expectations can be harmful to marriages and should be set aside by both partners to foster a healthier relationship.
We can't expect men to bring home the bacon and for there to be no wage gap. Such cognitive dissonance creates the mirage of a marriage that can't live up to everyone's expectations. We also can't expect women to continue to shoulder most of the household labor; that's a recipe for an unhappy couple.
There is ongoing debate about modern masculinity, and reasonable people may hold differing perspectives. I believe that a strong, high-earning woman does not threaten a confident man; instead, he values her as a teammate.
When discussing finances with your spouse, I encourage husbands to adopt an egalitarian approach to roles both inside and outside the home.
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Citations
Dew, J., Britt, S. and Huston, S. (2012), Examining the Relationship Between Financial Issues and Divorce. Family Relations, 61: 615-628. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00715.x
“Face the Numbers: Moving beyond Financial Denial.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, 22 Mar. 2022, https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/money.
Parker, Kim, and Renee Stepler. “Americans See Men as the Financial Providers, Even as Women's Contributions Grow.” Pew Research Center, Pew Research Center, 10 Sept. 2020, https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/09/20/americans-see-men-as-the-financial-providers-even-as-womens-contributions-grow/.
Chavda, Janakee. “In a Growing Share of U.S. Marriages, Husbands and Wives Earn about the Same.” Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project, Pew Research Center, 14 Apr. 2023, https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/.
Syrda, Joanna. “Spousal Relative Income and Male Psychological Distress.” Spousal Relative Income and Male Psychological Distress, SAGE Journmal, 28 Oct. 2019, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167219883611.
“2 In 5 Americans Admit to Financial Infidelity against Their Partner.” NEFE, https://www.nefe.org/news/2021/11/2-in-5-americans-admit-to-financial-infidelity-against-their-partner.aspx.
Updated post: 6/17/26
Original post: 5/4/23
