My Wife Is Controlling: What To Do About It

Brian Page
2 days ago
5 min read

I’m sharing this post from Aly Bullock, LMFT, because conversations about control in relationships require both honesty and care. As a Certified Financial Therapist, I am trained to help couples through financial conflict. However, my purview does not extend beyond that, which is another reason I’m sharing Aly’s insights.

Aly Bullock is a licensed marriage and family therapist and communication coach dedicated to helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

It’s not uncommon for some couples to become stuck in unhealthy patterns in which one partner dominates decisions while the other gradually loses their voice. Those dynamics may improve through self-reflection, clearer boundaries, shared responsibility, and professional support—but control can also be a sign of emotional, financial, or physical abuse.

The following message, originally sent by Aly through her newsletter, offers thoughtful guidance for people in relationships that are frustrating but safe, while also making clear that fear, isolation, financial restriction, and retaliation require a very different response.

Aly has permitted me to reshare the following.

My Wife Is Controlling

"Women don't apologize."

"Good luck trying to tell her to change her mind."

"If she's not right, you're wrong."

Believe it or not, I get comments like this on my social media videos ALL THE TIME from men who are miserable in their relationships. Here's how one community member put it:

Ask Aly:

"My wife is controlling. Everything has to go her way and it's exhausting. I'm tired of giving in and really resent and lack respect for her at this point. If I try to talk about it, she says I'm the problem. What should I do?"

Finding Your Voice

Is a relationship that's one-sided a relationship at all? Well yes, it is, but a highly dysfunctional one. Because when you've lost your voice, you stop showing up authentically, the vulnerability goes away, and the connection dies.

So my first question is, where did your voice go? At what point did it get swallowed up? Maybe you've been passive long before this relationship, or maybe things have slowly changed from the inside out and you're wondering how the person you once loved feels so foreign now.

Take 20 minutes and journal about it. Find out where your voice went, and identify how you feel about that UNDER the frustration and resentment. Because I'd bet deep down there's some shame, loneliness, fear, and a whole lot more to unpack.

Control is an Illusion

And yet she's still chasing it. Which tells me she has an unmet need somewhere that's driving her behavior. Oftentimes people who can't let go of control are really feeling:

alone shouldering all the responsibilities

afraid of things going wrong

a desire to prove their worth and value

pressure from societal or familial expectations

competitive due to underlying insecurity

I'm not sure if that's what's going on for her, or if it's something else, but it's worth exploring. You know her better than I do, so think about it. Is there an unmet need there? If so, is there something you can do to support it, that doesn't involve losing yourself in the process?

Ditching the Bad Habit

The tricky thing about letting your partner be in the driver's seat all the time in your relationship, is that even though you hate it and know it's bad for you, you also benefit from it. Think of it like an old, worn-in couch. It's not good for your back anymore, but it's familiar and easy to sink into. Because usually this means

you don't have to use your brain power to make decisions

you get to blame your partner's toxic personality for your lack of effort

So when you really self-reflect, is there anything you are doing that is enabling this controlling behavior? Are there any traits of your own that allow it to flourish, and keep you sinking into that same old couch? If so, that's where you need to start.

When you stop enabling, you'll feel friction. Standing up straight after years of slouching is uncomfortable at first. AND that's your only path to rebuilding a relationship with a foundation of genuine respect for each other.

Further Context (Sent As Follow Up)

“When I reread this morning's email after it was sent out, I noticed a glaring blind spot, so I want to address it.

In the Ask Aly (see full email below), I answered a question about a controlling partner, and looking back, I don't think I drew a clear enough line between a controlling dynamic and abuse. That's on me, and I want to correct it here because it matters too much to leave alone!

Everything I wrote was aimed at relationships where both people are safe, but stuck. Where the control is frustrating and exhausting, but not dangerous. I was also coming from the context of working with many couples where anxiety and efficiency is labelled as control when there's much more going on. If that's your situation, the reflection questions I offered still stand.

But control can also look different. It can look like fear. It can look like walking on eggshells, losing access to money or friends or your own decisions, or feeling like you're never allowed to disagree without consequences. If any of that sounds familiar, please hear me clearly: that is not something to journal your way out of, and it is never something you caused or could have prevented by communicating better.

If you're unsure which situation you're in, that uncertainty is worth taking seriously on its own. You don't need a certain severity of experience to reach out for support!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential, and available 24/7:

Call 1-800-799-7233

I'd rather say this clearly now than assume it was already understood. Thank you!

Hope that helps!

Aly 💛

LMFT + Relationship Coach

Wrapping It Up

Aly’s message highlights two important truths: people should examine how unhealthy relationship patterns develop, but no one should be encouraged to take responsibility for another person’s abusive behavior. Rebuilding your voice and addressing resentment can be valuable in a safe relationship; when control creates fear or deprives you of freedom, seeking outside support should come first.

For more practical, compassionate relationship advice from Aly Bullock, subscribe to her newsletter and follow her on Instagram.

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