The Hard Truth About Breadwinning Wives and Masculinity

Sep 28

4 min read

Are you less of a man if your wife earns more than you? This would be a silly question if we lived in a world where money and masculinity weren't married. But as you'll read in this post, that's not the case.

Beneath the surface of modern partnerships lies a deep tension between what we say we believe about gender roles and what society still rewards. I have tough facts and truths to share about the breadwinning pressures men still face.

The Cultural Pressure Men Still Face

Pew Research found that 71 percent of women still believe a good husband or partner must be financially able to support his family. When men were asked the same question about women, only 25 percent said the same.

That gap is problematic because nearly half of households are made up of women who earn around the same as, or significantly more than, their husbands. That's the case in our home now.

I'm keenly aware of messaging that ties masculinity to breadwinning. I see it as a paradoxical pressure for many men: we keep being told directly, or through survey data, that we need to be the breadwinners, but we also need to do just as much in the home as our wives.

The Dating Market Reality That No One Likes to Admit

Social media is full of virtue signaling, women telling men that money doesn't matter. They want romance and an equal partner.

But when the opinion are private and personal, many change their tunes.

Research on online dating shows that women want higher-income men who earn more than they do. The data revealed that men with the highest incomes received 10 times more profile visits than men with the lowest incomes.

Not 10 percent.

Ten times!

If men feel pressure to look financially successful, it is because the dating market has told them — over and over again — that money is tied to desirability.

As for the idea that women want romance and emotional connection and men aren't that deep? Research out of Cambridge University has debunked that myth as well.

Men and the Mental Load

Many conversations (and books) focus on the burden women carry. I write a lot about it because my goal is to equip men with the facts to help them be better partners. We know that women carry more of the mental and emotional load of running our homes, and we need to do something about that if that's not what the couple wants.

Careers and the Mental Load

What I don't see as often on social media or in the news is the mental load men carry in their careers. New research findings illustrated below explain it all in one graph:

The Hard Truth About Breadwinning Wives and Masculinity

Some women who rightfully expect equity at home, measured by equal leisure time and shared domestic responsibilities, diminish or do not acknowledge the financial pressures that are unique to men.

According to research, men experience the least psychological distress when their female partners earn up to 40% of the household income, with stress levels rising when that threshold is passed and peaking when men are completely economically dependent.

The Couples Who Make Breadwinning Wives Work

Despite the cultural headwinds, some couples thrive with a breadwinning wife. I'm lucky to say that my wife and I are one of those couples, as is Modern Husbands Advisory Board member Dan Kadlec, who retired as one of the nation’s leading personal finance journalists. For context, he was a guest on Oprah!

Dan has spoken openly and proudly about his wife being the higher earner, which you can listen to in an early episode of the Modern Husbands Podcast.

Modern Husband Podcast Episode with Dan Kadlec

These couples reject outdated definitions of masculinity and partnership and succeed because they:

respect each other’s contributions,
understand the emotional weight of earning,
do not equate masculinity with income,
communicate openly about expectations,
see each other as partners, not rivals.

In our marriage, the biggest difference was my wife telling me that breadwinning wasn't nearly as important as what our family needed. She was right, but her constant affirmation and appreciation are what many men need to hear to let go of the breadwinning pressures.

The Masculinity Shift: When Supporting Her Career Makes You a Provider

Scott Galloway recently wrote that sometimes being a provider means stepping aside and empowering your spouse to crush it in her career because she may have a higher earning ceiling. And he is right.

Real providers do what is best for the family, and sometimes that means taking more of a leadership role in the home. It also means that we cheer on our wives' professional accomplishments without feeling less about ourselves.

I said it before, and I'll say it again: it also takes a spouse to convince her husband that what she wants most is for him to provide at home, care for her, and be a partner. And that those priorities are more important to her.

Men need to feel confident that they can break social norms and implied relationship pressures for the good of the marriage.

The Secret to Making It Work: You Can’t Care What Others Think

Melissa Hogenboom, author of The Motherhood Complex and Breadwinners, interviewed men married to high-earning wives. She coined a term that captures the men who thrive in this dynamic: “Fuck It, Fathers.”

These men simply do not care what the outside world thinks, and that is the only way they can be happiest. Because whether you like it or not, some people will judge men who earn less because that doesn’t fit the old blueprint. Thriving couples reject all of that.

Listen to our podcast episode with Melissa Hogenboom to learn more.

Modern Husbands Podcast Episode with Melissa Hogenboom

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Professional Support

I support couples who want to better manage money or the home as a team in their relationship. I am also available for group coaching events.

I'm the only Certified Financial Therapist™, Accredited Financial Counselor®, and Fair Play Facilitator®, empowering high-achieving couples with systems to manage money and the home as a team — drawn from decades of national leadership and lived experience.