What Couples Get Wrong About Child Care Expectations

Brian Page
13 hours ago
5 min read

Most couples enter parenthood with good intentions. They plan to share the work and assume they can “figure it out.” And then reality hits.

In many households, child care quietly becomes uneven, not because one partner does not care, but because expectations were never thoroughly examined. New research shows something surprising and essential for couples. It is not how much child care one partner actually does that predicts dissatisfaction. It is what they expect to carry.

That distinction matters for modern husbands who want to be true teammates at home, according to Child Care Labor Division: Expectations, Experiences, and Relationship With Life Goal Satisfaction, a 2025 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

What the Research Found

The 2025 study Child Care Labor Division: Expectations, Experiences, and Relationship With Life Goal Satisfaction, followed more than 130 birthing parents and their partners from pregnancy through the first year after birth. Researchers tracked three things over time: how couples expected to divide child care, how they actually divided it, and how satisfied birthing parents felt with their broader life goals, including career, health, and personal fulfillment.

Here is what stood out.

Birthing parents are expected to do about 75 percent of child care in the early months. In practice, they often did even more. Partners consistently provided less child care than expected at both one and six months postpartum.

But the most critical finding had nothing to do with hours logged or tasks completed.

Actual child care labor was not associated with satisfaction with life goals.

Expectations were.

Birthing parents who expected to do more child care reported lower satisfaction with their life goals up to a year later. Birthing parents who expected greater partner involvement reported higher satisfaction, even after accounting for actual labor.

In other words, inequity starts forming long before anyone argues about who did more diaper changes.

Why Expectations Carry So Much Weight

Expectations are not neutral. They shape how people plan their lives.

When one partner expects to carry most of the child care load, they begin adjusting their goals before conflict ever occurs. Career ambitions shrink. Health routines get postponed. Personal time feels unrealistic. This happens quietly and often unconsciously.

This is mental load at its earliest stage. Not execution, but anticipation.

The research supports what many couples experience but struggle to name. Even when the workload feels manageable, the sense of being the default parent can undermine long-term satisfaction. It is not just about being tired. It is about feeling unsupported in pursuing the rest of your life.

For modern husbands, this reframes the conversation. Being a good partner is not just about doing more later. It is about signaling shared responsibility early enough that your partner does not have to plan their life around carrying the load alone.

Why This Matters Even More After Baby Number Two

One of the most striking findings from the study is who felt the impact most strongly.

The negative relationship between expecting to do more child care and life goal satisfaction was strongest among mothers with more than one child. First-time parents showed fewer long-term effects. Experienced parents showed more.

This makes sense.

With each additional child, patterns become habits. Roles harden. What once felt temporary starts to feel permanent. If one partner has already adjusted their expectations downward, adding another child compounds the strain.

For couples, this means fairness is not a one-time agreement. It must be revisited as family demands change. Assuming “we already know how this works” is often how inequity deepens.

Related: Our free Family Financial Planning Calculator allows you to project the compounding financial consequences of childcare (or staying home) after having children, over 15 years.

Why “Just Tell Me What to Do” Misses the Point

Many men mean well when they say, “Just Tell Me What to Do.” The intent is cooperation. It sounds open. But it still places the burden of planning on one partner.

The research shows that it is the expectation of partner involvement that protects life satisfaction, not just occasional help. Waiting for instructions reinforces the idea that one person owns the system while the other assists.

True partnership means taking responsibility for the full cycle of a task. Noticing it needs to be done. Planning it. Executing it. Following up. That is how expectations change. And expectations, more than anything else, shape how supported a partner feels.

One Conversation Every Couple Should Have Before the Baby Comes Home

The good news is that expectations can be reset. And it does not require perfection. It requires clarity.

Before or shortly after a baby arrives, couples benefit from one intentional conversation focused not on effort, but on ownership.

Questions like these matter:

Which child care tasks do we each assume will be ours by default?

Which tasks involve planning and coordination, not just physical work?

How will we revisit this conversation as sleep deprivation and schedules change?

This is not about locking in a permanent division of labor. It is about making expectations visible. When expectations are shared, they can be adjusted. When they stay unspoken, they quietly shape dissatisfaction.

Couples who return to this conversation at three months and six months are far more likely to stay aligned as real life intervenes.

Modern Husbands Podcast Episode

Dr. Brenda Volling is a developmental psychologist and award-winning educator and researcher at the University of Michigan. In this episode, we discuss the essential role fathers play in a child’s early development.

Fairness at Home Protects Futures, Not Just Feelings

This research gives couples an important reframe.

Supporting your partner is not only about pitching in more. It is about preventing the silent narrowing of their goals. Expectations around child care influence whether someone feels free to pursue a career, protect their health, or maintain a sense of self.

Modern husbands who lead at home do so early. They help set expectations that say, “You do not have to carry this alone.” That message matters more than any single task.

Fairness at home is not just about today’s workload. It is about preserving the futures both partners want to build together.

Support Moving Forward

If you’re a father seeking community, I encourage you to check out The Company of Dads. This community platform helps fathers navigate work, family, and identity with honesty and heart. Through storytelling, events, and practical insights, it creates space for dads to show up more fully at home and at work while challenging outdated expectations of fatherhood.

Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation if you’re looking for professional support as a couple to prepare your daily finances and your home labor systems for a new child.