How NOT to Motivate Men to Help Around the Home

I was terribly disappointed to see the headline below.

It’s shameful.

It’s wrong.

And it’s dangerous.

Working through a lifetime of messaging and judgment isn't easy for men. We love our partners, and it weighs heavily on many men if we're not providing in the same ways society expects. 

While 72% of men and 71% of women say a man needs to be able to provide financially for his family to be a good husband or partner, just a quarter of men say this is very important for a woman to be a good wife or partner. On the other hand, only 7% of adults believe society values men's contributions at home more these days.

What many men feel when they’re not the breadwinner is shame. And now, folks are suggesting that women should use shame as a motivational strategy for men to do more domestic labor. To me, this feels like a suggestion that originates from resentment and frustration. 

Telling men that they suck won’t work. Blaming all men for the problems created by some men now and in the past won’t work either, nor will assuming malintent.

What both partners need is empathy and compassion.

We hosted Dr. Joshua Coleman on the Modern Husbands podcast. He is a psychologist and author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework. He believes positive affirmation from wives to their husbands is significant, an opinion I share.

Men are more likely to partake in an equitable division of labor when they are doing it for their partners, not just because the task needs to be done. Men see it as a motivating act of love, a feeling that resonates with me. Whether that feeling is a misplaced sense of duty or not is debatable, but what’s not is when any partner feels valued and affirmed in acts motivated by love.

Systems are solutions when gender doesn't restrain our happiness and marital roles. I started my journey in building out Modern Husbands by reading Equal Partners by Dr. Kate Mangino to do just that. And the foundation of the system that works in our home derives from Eve Rodsky's book, Fair Play.

I'm proud to be a Fair Play Facilitator. The system allows for the intentional and clear responsibilities of domestic labor and caregiving to be assigned and executed free from the frustrations partners experience when they are talked down to, micromanaged, and dismissed for their contributions.

Your home is a small business, and the effort required to manage it should be treated as such. Teamwork is possible when our roles and responsibilities in the home are clear and systems are implemented to execute our roles with efficiency, empathy, appreciation, and love for one another.

I’m not the person you’re looking for if you’re looking for someone to shame you, or shame your husband. 

Through my own lived experiences and my training I can assure you what I will do is lift you up and empower both partners to manage the home like an efficient small business.

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