How To Get My Husband to Help Me Around the House

Brian Page
Jun 21
8 min read

If you’re looking for insight and a system for your husband to not only help around the house but also be a partner, this post is for you.

Husbands shouldn't be "helping"; we should be teammates.

I was the husband who didn’t help around the house.

Not because I was lazy; I worked outside the home for 60 to 80 hours a week.

I certainly didn’t believe it was “women’s work.”

What I did subscribe to was the belief that my job, as a man, was to be the financial provider for my family. And I wasn't alone in that thought.

72% of men and 71% of women say a man needs to be able to provide financially for his family to be a good husband or partner. Yet, only 7% of adults believe society values men's contributions at home more these days.

What many men feel when they’re not the breadwinner is shame, so just telling men that they suck won’t work. Blaming all men for the problems created by some men now and in the past won’t work either, nor will assuming malintent.

“What both partners need is empathy and compassion.”

And I must share this truth bomb: Research has found that men are happier and less stressed when they do more housework. We also know that wives want more sex when men do more chores.

We hosted Dr. Joshua Coleman on the Modern Husbands podcast. He is a psychologist and author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework. He believes positive affirmation from wives to their husbands is significant, an opinion I share.

Podcast Episode with Dr. Coleman

🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Apple.

🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Spotify.

Men are more likely to partake in an equitable division of labor when they are doing it for their partners, not just because the task needs to be done. Men see it as a motivating act of love, a feeling that resonates with me.

Whether that feeling is a misplaced sense of duty or not is debatable, but what’s not is when any partner feels valued and affirmed in acts motivated by love.

How to Bring Husbands to the Table to Talk About the Chores

Here’s the skinny:

Schedule an uninterrupted time to meet when emotions are low so cognition can be high.
While you meet, never assign blame.
Stress that being a “provider” is not limited to money but providing caregiving and domestic labor support as well. Be very clear about this; he will likely need convincing and reassurance over time.
Share appreciation for past support.
Establish the Fair Play domestic labor system.

Communicate and Set Clear Expectations

When discussing household responsibilities, think of it as a collaborative team planning session rather than a blame game. Use "I" statements to express your feelings, like "I feel exhausted managing most of the chores," rather than placing blame with phrases like "You never help me with the housework."

It's essential to recognize that one partner may not fully appreciate the emotional and physical burden of handling the majority of the household chores. By calmly explaining your perspective and acknowledging each other’s contributions, you create a foundation for building a cooperative solution.

Effective systems can eliminate the gendered expectations that often create tension in relationships. I began Modern Husbands by learning from Equal Partners by Dr. Kate Mangino, which provided the foundation for equitable sharing of responsibilities in our home. Additionally, Fair Play by Eve Rodsky offered a system that truly works for us.

Perhaps you need more support than my post can provide.

As a Fair Play Policy Institute Facilitator, I help couples implement systems that assign domestic and caregiving duties, promoting mutual respect. This method avoids the frustration of being micromanaged or undervalued, instead fostering a partnership built on respect and shared responsibility.

Contact me to learn how I can support you and your partner in managing your home as a team equitably and efficiently.

Chores Are More Than a List

One eye-opening insight is that many household "chores" extend beyond physical tasks – they also include invisible cognitive labor, such as remembering to pay bills or planning meals. Often, one partner (frequently women) shoulders this mental load, leading to resentment.

Acknowledging these unseen tasks and sharing them is crucial. Managing the home as a true team – where both partners take responsibility for cleaning, organizing, and household management – benefits everyone.

Chores are more than a list, and they can never be divided fairly without intentional and thoughtful conversations.

Chores Routine: How to Divide the Chores Equitably

Every household task should have a single owner who takes full accountability for it from start to finish, thereby dividing the labor so that partners have an equal amount of leisure time. In Fair Play terms, that means one person handles the Conception, Planning, and Execution of each task.

By using this Conception–Planning–Execution (CPE) framework, you and your partner can share the mental load fairly, create clear accountability, and eliminate the need to micromanage one another. The result is a more equitable partnership where neither of you feels like you "do it all," and both can focus on your careers, relationships, and personal well-being without guilt or resentment.

I am a Fair Play Facilitator, meaning I am a domestic labor specialist trained to build systems for couples to manage domestic labor equitably and efficiently, the ideal structure for dual-career couples. What follows is a summary of the Fair Play system.

Conception: Owning the Idea Phase of a Task

Conception is the first phase of any chore – it's "thinking of the issue and deciding what to do about it." In other words, conception means noticing a need and taking the initiative to address it. This mental work is often invisible: remembering that the dog is due for a vet visit, realizing the fridge is almost empty, or knowing your child's science project is coming up.

In many households, one partner carries most of this cognitive load, constantly tracking what needs to be done – which is exhausting. A more efficient and equitable approach is to intentionally divide this responsibility so that each partner is the initiator for specific tasks rather than having one person conceive of nearly everything.

Planning: Owning the Logistics and Strategy

Once a need is identified, the next step is Planning – figuring out how and when to complete the task. In Fair Play, the same person who conceives a task also handles its planning.

Planning means "figuring out the tasks that need to be done to complete the project and when they should be done." It's the behind-the-scenes work: making a grocery list and meal plan for the week or scheduling the pediatrician appointment and arranging time off to take the baby.

These logistical steps are a significant part of the mental load – often more time-consuming than the final execution. By owning the planning, the task owner frees their partner from having to micromanage or remind them about the details.

The Minimum Standard of Care

A critical part of planning, especially for dual-career couples with limited time, is aligning on what "done" means. This prevents misunderstandings and avoids the need for nagging.

For example, if the task is making dinner, do you both value a home-cooked meal each night or is it perfectly fine to order takeout or throw together a quick sandwich? If you're planning meals, clarify whether "fast food will fly" on busy days or if you aim for nutritious, sit-down dinners most nights.

By discussing the purpose and priorities of a task, the planner can make informed decisions. Fair Play calls this defining the "Minimum Standard of Care" – essentially agreeing on the baseline of how well and how often a task should be done so that both partners are satisfied.

Execution: Owning the Action and Follow-Through

Execution is the hands-on part – "doing it." It's the phase where the plan gets put into action: cooking the meal, buying and wrapping the gift, driving the kids to their activities, paying the bills, cleaning the bathroom, and so on.

In the Fair Play system, the person who conceives and plans the task also carries out the execution. This all-in-one responsibility is what creates true accountability. When you know you will have to do the chore, you’re more likely to plan it realistically!

And when you follow something through from idea to completion, it spares your partner the classic hassle of having to micromanage or finish the job for you.

Pro Tip: No Micromanaging (Trust the Owner): For the partner not executing a particular task, the golden rule is to let it go. Once you've handed over a task, avoid hovering or offering unsolicited advice on how to do it (unless your partner asks).

Micromanaging undermines the system – it’s stressful for both parties and defeats the purpose of offloading the mental load. Remember that you both agreed on the desired outcome during the planning stage. As long as the task meets your mutually agreed standards, how your partner executes it might differ from how you would, and that’s okay.

Acknowledge Each Other’s Work

When your partner executes a task, show appreciation. A simple “Thanks for handling the laundry, I love having fresh clothes for Monday” or complimenting the meal they cooked goes a long way.

Positive reinforcement makes both of you feel valued and motivates continued cooperation. It reinforces that you’re not taking each other’s contributions for granted now that they’re split up.

Related: Subscribe to my free newsletter for ideas to manage money and the home as a team.

Chores to Do Around the House

Every household has a core set of chores that keep it running. Below is a brief chores list for adults living together, broken down into categories. Use this as a starting point to ensure nothing gets overlooked when you’re divvying up responsibilities.

Daily Cleaning and Tidying

These are everyday tasks to keep the home in good shape. Examples: cleaning up after meals, making the bed, picking up clutter, and taking out the trash.

Weekly Household Chores

These tasks typically need attention once or twice a week. Examples: doing the laundry, vacuuming or sweeping floors, mopping hard floors, dusting surfaces and furniture, cleaning bathrooms, and grocery shopping for the week’s meals.

Monthly or Seasonal Deep Cleaning

These are bigger chores to do around the house less frequently, such as monthly or a few times a year. Examples include deep cleaning kitchen appliances, washing windows and wiping down blinds or curtains, cleaning out closets or the garage, shampooing carpets, and yard work such as raking leaves or mowing the lawn. Mark these on a calendar so they're shared and not forgotten.

Household Management & Finances

Running a home isn't just cleaning – it also includes administrative chores. Paying bills, managing the budget and bank accounts, handling insurance policies, saving, and investing are far more important than tasks to manage.

Money is the key to unlocking the dreams and goals in your marriage. Schedule regular Money Dates to make financial decisions as a team and divide the money management tasks based on skill sets and preferences.

Chores List for Adults

Click here for the full master list of household tasks and download our Free Chores List for Couples – available as a Google Sheet you can copy or a PDF.

Professional Support

Managing household chores as a couple can be challenging, but it’s also a chance to strengthen your partnership. Research shows that sharing household chores is among the top factors for a successful marriage.

When couples manage the home as a team, they often experience greater fairness, respect, and overall satisfaction with their relationship.

As a Fair Play Policy Institute Facilitator, I help couples implement systems that assign domestic and caregiving duties, promoting mutual respect. This method avoids the frustration of being micromanaged or undervalued, instead fostering a partnership built on respect and shared responsibility.

Contact me to learn how I can support you and your partner in managing your home as a team equitably and efficiently.