Stop Calling It Women's Work: Here's How Experts Define the Work of Home

It makes my skin crawl when I see anyone label the work of the home only as women's work. It's almost always rage clickbait used to trigger the undiscerning algorithms, driving the eyes of someone with pain and hurt to some sort of unfair confirmation of the worst of us, pitting spouses against one another. 

So let's be clear. The work in our homes should know no gender. Period. Full stop.

The work that is done to manage a home is done by spouses who love each other, for each other, for their kids, and when appropriate, with their kids.

That being said, I'm not naive. The data is clear – women, on average, clearly do more at home right now. Particularly as it relates to the invisible workload. Women, on average, also have less leisure time than their spouses after a child is introduced into the relationship.

That's a problem – it's not okay. 

And that's one more reason why it should never be acknowledged as women's work. The work of the home, of relationships, and of those of us supporting couples is the work couples should be focused on doing it together – as a team.

How Some Men Are Shamed (and what to do about it)

Dr. Kate Mangino is a gender expert, speaker, and author who focuses on promoting gender equity at home and at work. She is best known for her book Equal Partners, which draws on interviews with men around the world to explore how they share power and care in their relationships. With a background in international development, Dr. Mangino blends research, storytelling, and practical strategies to help men and women build more balanced partnerships.

Kate is a dear friend and also a partner in our couples' one-day retreat: MOVE Your Marriage. Kate's book was the first I read on my journey to understand equity in the home better.

I asked Kate for a few examples of how men are shamed for their work in the home, and what is one suggestion for addressing this issue? Here is what she said:

"Household work is a skill. Like any other skill, it requires practice; at first, we're not so good, but we get better at doing it over time.

Broadly speaking, we socialize girls to learn domestic skills at a young age, whereas we don't really prioritize them in boys. So when we reach adulthood, men and women often have different skill sets. NOT because of biology - but because of experience. This is where shame comes in - when we default into a 'you vs. me' situation and overemphasize who is better at what.

Instead, I suggest focusing on 'us vs the system.' Acknowledge that it is the system that has created our current situation, and work together as a team to reconcile that housing gap. For those of us who aren't so skilled, make housework a priority. Practice. Get better. Hold yourself accountable.

And for those of us who are skilled at housework, be patient. Give them time. Admit that perhaps your way isn't the only way. Be open to new things and new approaches."

Modern Husbands Podcast Episode with Dr. Mangino

Defining the Labor of the Home

The labor of the home continues to be better defined by sociologists and domestic labor diagnostic specialists. 

The Definition of Careload

Ellie Windle is the Founder and CEO of Persist, a startup building a "household operating system" that helps make the mental load of managing family tasks visible and more equitable.

"The term CareLoad refers to the invisible mental, emotional, logistical, and anticipatory labor that is required to keep a household or family functioning smoothly. It is distinct from a simple to-do list because it encompasses the behind-the-scenes decision-making that drives the tasks and can lead to burnout if left unrecognized."

My friends at Persist have created a free tool to make the mental load visible and the decisions shareable. You can take the CareLoad Assessment to understand how much time and energy you and your partner are currently investing in your household, along with your custom CareQuest, which will guide you step by step to a balance that works best for your family. 

The Definition of Emotional Labor

Dr. Julie Wayne is the David C. Darnell Presidential Chair in Principled Leadership and a professor at Wake Forest University School of Business. Her research focuses on the work-family interface, including topics like work-family enrichment, invisible family load, and biases faced by underrepresented groups in the workplace.

"In a nutshell, we define emotional labor as worrying about or feeling troubled by your family's needs, responsibilities, and well-being. It's feeling the need to be the emotional anchor, and it is the 'keep you up at night' type of invisible labor that has the most harmful effect on health and well-being."

The Definition of Mental Labor 

Dr. Allison Daminger is an Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of Wisconsin–Madison whose research focuses on family dynamics, qualitative methods, and especially the “mental labor” in households — the often unacknowledged planning, organizing, and emotional work. 

I’ve already read her excellent forthcoming book "What's on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life”, which explores why the burden of mental labor so often falls to women, even in couples committed to equality, and offers alternative ways of sharing this labor.

“I define mental labor as the work of figuring out what your family members need, what they owe to others, and how best to go about fulfilling those needs and obligations. Breaking it down a bit, it's all about: 

a) anticipating

b) identifying options

c) making decisions

d) monitoring the results. 

Sometimes I shorthand it as ‘project management - but for the household." 

Modern Husbands Podcast Episode with Dr. Daminger

The Definition of Domestic Labor

I am an accredited financial counselor and fair play facilitator. I also established Modern Husbands as a business I can build around what our family needs; I now tackle 90% of the overall care load in our home. 

I need to be clear. Using plain language, I find that invisible work (e.g., mental labor and emotional labor) is the toughest. You don't get to see the fruits of your labor. It's not quantified. Which makes it harder for some spouses to appreciate, and for me, it is less fulfilling. 

The domestic labor of the home is the physical tasks required to maintain a household: cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, etc. It's commonly referred to as a household chore list.

Some chores are a daily grind, as illustrated with the "coffee mugs" on the back of the Fair Play Digital Cards. My go-to example from this is the dishes – the never-ending dishes! Other chores are one-offs completed weekly or less, such as mowing the lawn. Those are easier. 

Domestic labor can be fulfilling: the perfect lines of a mowed yard, the sparkle of a clean kitchen, the perfectly arranged bourbon bottles in your liquor cabinet. That's the satisfaction I crave. You can see your work shine. 

The Definition of Invisible Labor

Eve Rodsky is a New York Times bestselling author of Fair Play and a renowned expert on domestic labor and gender equity in relationships. She is best known for her groundbreaking book Fair Play, which offers a practical system to help couples rebalance the invisible work at home. Her work blends organizational management, social justice, and personal empowerment to challenge cultural norms around household labor and caregiving.

In my own journey in better understanding systems to tackle the care load of the home, Fair Play was the second book I read. We were blessed to soon thereafter host Rodsky on this episode of the Modern Husbands podcast.

According to Rodsky, the unseen work, our invisible labor, is defined as follows: 

"Invisible labor is the unpaid necessary work required to run a home and raise a family — though it's rarely valued. The toothpaste never runs out."

Fair Play Documentary

The Definition of Relational Labor

Alyson Bullock is a Licensed and Marriage Therapist who is widely popular on Instagram. I turn to her account daily for nuggets of wisdom to be better for my wife. According to Ally, relational labor is best defined as the following:

"Relational labor is everything you go out of your way to sustain a relationship over time, whether the goal is to keep the spark or simply get along at extended family dinners. For a couple, it's planning date nights, choosing to discuss hopes and dreams rather than scrolling, booking couples therapy appointments, and showing up to them with an open mind, even when you're tired. 

For family or friends, it can be choosing to send the birthday text even though you haven't talked in a while. 

The truth is, relationships are living organisms. Think of them like a plant or a pet. They need to be watered and fed to survive, and that's relational labor. Sometimes we enjoy it, sometimes we don't, but we do it anyway."

Modern Husbands Podcast Episode with Eve Rodsky

The Work of Men

I grew up watching my father exemplify all of these. My mother was injured in a tornado when I was young, and she had chronic pain for the rest of her life – and soon thereafter, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

My father carried out much of this work for my mother and our family until her last breath. Gender is not a prerequisite for doing that; it was the work of the man who raised me.

As you might imagine, I am also entrusted by some men who carry the full weight of managing the home. They feel lonely, scared to speak up, and embarrassed.

So yes, it enrages me when caring for your spouse and your home is claimed by some man-haters to be owned by experiences only a woman can have, and by misogynists as women's work. 

Gender Doesn’t Explain Everything

The KMSI-R was designed to help individuals identify their unique Money Scripts®, those deeply held beliefs about money that drive financial behaviors, often without conscious awareness. Money Scripts® are:

• Learned in childhood

• Often unconscious

• Passed down through generations

• Based on partial truths

• Strongly linked to financial outcomes

Those who score the highest on the money status scale tend to tie their self-worth to their net worth. They may place a strong emphasis on outward displays of wealth, such as luxury items, status symbols, and financial success, as a way to feel valued or respected. Money status was my lowest score, followed closely by money avoidance, which reflects a belief that money is inherently bad or corrupting.

In other words, I do not believe financial status is reflective of how good a person you are, nor do I believe money corrupts people. I think money unmasks people. 

Anyhow, my father is exceptionally frugal. He might be the most frugal person I know. How we lived our lives and how my dad talked to us about money shaped who I am a hell of a lot more than gender norms. Sure, societal pressures to be the breadwinner have influenced how I perceive my responsibilities as a husband and father, but not as much as my money script. 

Moving Forward

Like countless married couples with three children, we have faced outward challenges over the past 23 years of our marriage. 

The roles we play in our homes are undoubtingly shaped, at least in part, by our surroundings, and the choices we have at the moment. We had a child when we were young, and driven by my own money script, I felt a deep desire to build wealth as quickly as possible and protect the educational experience my children would have. 

Deaths, mental health challenges, job changes, moving twice during a pandemic, and grinding through ten years of me working 80 hours a week outside the home come to mind. 

Professional Support

Please reach out if you're looking for someone with the educational background, training, and lived experience, from a male perspective, to help you and your partner, or yourself, work through the challenges that come with managing money and the home.

Click here to schedule a free 15-minute exploratory call.