How Husbands Can Help Their Wives Break Through Glass Walls at Work
Different genders have different problems, such as men feeling more pressure than women to be the breadwinner in a relationship. That feeling deep inside of us is real, even if our partners don't care whether we earn more or less.
In the workforce, women feel pressure too, and in their case, it comes from external forces. The term "glass ceiling" often describes women having trouble climbing the corporate ladder, but I think "glass walls" is just as appropriate. I wrote this post to help men understand these pressures so they can show up for their partners in ways they might not otherwise understand.
We hosted Dr. Amy Diehl, author of Glass Walls, on the Modern Husbands Podcast. As she explained, a glass ceiling suggests that women can move freely through their careers until they reach the highest levels of leadership. But the data shows that at times, that's not true. The invisible barriers surrounding many women throughout their careers are better described as glass walls.
Diehl’s research identified six primary barriers women encounter at work:
disproportionate constraints,
insufficient support,
devaluation,
male privilege,
hostility,
acquiescence.
These emerged from years of qualitative and quantitative research examining women’s workplace experiences across industries. I read her book, and she explains each in great detail, some of which we will discuss in this post.
The Workplace Problem Often Begins at Home
For the fellow men out there who take the lead at home, I salute you. But we are in the minority.
Workplace inequality is connected to expectations at home. Women are more often than not the one who has to pick up a sick kid at school or take the day off when there's a snow day. They might do more at home, leaving less time for paid work.
The phrase “working mother” is telling, isn't it? When's the last time you heard a man described as "working father?" Men are assumed to work, while women are still often expected to manage a disproportionate share of childcare and household responsibilities, and those are glass walls.
Many men I know want to support their wives' careers, and they tell them as such. We must create practical conditions that allow both of us to invest in our careers, and here are two easy ways men can start.
Household Labor
Remove three tasks from your wife's plate, tasks you own from start to finish. Here's the criteria for choosing what to own so she can focus more on her career:
A daily grind task, something that needs to be done daily.
Include a heavier mental load, something that requires planning and organizing.
Chores you already feel comfortable doing.
Low-stakes tasks that, if you mess up, will not be the end of the world.
As a Fair Play Facilitator, I highly encourage you to use the Fair Play system to divide the tasks and understand what task ownership means, from start to finish. Read The Fair Play System: How it Works, to learn more.
Default Parent
The default parent is the person you turn to first when things go awry. Sick kid? This parent deals with it. Doctor's appointment? This parent deals with it. Default parenting interrupts work. Talk about what it entails and take turns as the default parent.
Treat Both Careers as Important
Dual-career couples will inevitably face seasons when one partner’s job requires more time or attention. This becomes a problem when the assumption is that the husband’s career should always come first.
Dr. Diehl recommends beginning with a shared value: both partners’ careers matter, regardless of who earns more. Equal time spent at work is often ideal, but not possible. When it's not, one partner will need to do more at home than the other. Over short periods of time, this can work, but if resentment begins to grow, then it becomes a problem. That's why Dr. Jennifer Petriglieri recommends in her book, Couples That Work, reconsidering the arrangement at least every five years.
Men Can Also Be Allies at Work
Men can help remove glass walls in the workplace, too. As we learned in our conversation with Dr. David Smith and Dr. Brad Johnson, informal networks built around golf, sports, bars, or other traditionally male interests can exclude women from conversations where relationships are built, and decisions are influenced.
They pointed out that men don't have to stop socializing with colleagues; they should recognize when workplace decisions are being made in exclusive settings and bring those discussions back into the office, where all relevant people can participate.
The most important takeaway from my conversation with Dr. Diehl is that supporting women’s careers requires husbands who can create equity at home, managers who create fairer systems at work, and male colleagues who speak up when bias appears.
Modern Husbands Podcast Episode
Winning ideas from experts to manage money and the home as a team. 2023 Plutus Award Finalist: Best Couples or Family Content
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Show Notes
00:00 Introduction
02:22 Most people are familiar with the idea of a “glass ceiling.” What are “glass walls,” and why did you believe we needed a broader way to understand gender bias?
04:19 Your research identified six primary barriers: disproportionate constraints, insufficient support, devaluation, male privilege, hostility, and acquiescence. How did these six categories emerge from your research?
08:08 Your research found that 72% of the surveyed women struggled to balance their personal and professional lives. How much of what appears to be a workplace problem is connected to expectations placed on women at home?
10:53 What is the difference between emotionally supporting a wife’s career and creating the practical conditions that allow her career to thrive?
16:39 What challenges do women face that men don’t?
23:18 How can couples make career decisions without automatically treating the husband’s career as the default priority?
27:24 Where can listeners learn more about you and purchase your book?
29:34 After reading your book, what is the most important idea you hope husbands carry into their marriages?
Learn more at https://amy-diehl.com.
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